EXPOSED

i had a minor heart attack today.

i was in my room, watching oprah on a lazy thursday morning (thursday : saturday in this country) . i had my laptop on and yahoo messenger was running but i just left it on my bed. it was a good episode of oprah and i wanted to finish watching it before i go ym-ing. once the show ended i returned to my laptop to see who else was online that i could harrass and violate while they were working (i do this every thursday and friday). but before i could even do that, i saw that i already had a message from an ex-colleague. it was a long one - numbered even. i thought "hmm... what is it that she has a lot to say about? we just chatted online last night.." i started reading the message. my heart stopped. i think my face went white for a millisecond. to my horror, it was my most recent blog entry (refer below). oh crap! my worst blog-related nightmare came true. someone i know had chanced upon my blog and now that person knows about my darkest secret!!

ok so maybe i did not really had an actual heart attack but it sure felt like it. i was trembling. shivering even. i knew that it was no use to deny it cause as she said (later) - i fit all the description. i'm in d*bai (i think that gave it away most.... sigh... too much for my effort to refrain ppl i know from finding out about my blog by spelling d*bai as d*bai...), i drive a savvy (as a 'good' friend puts it - tak ramai org yg akan tergamak beli kereta tu. i resent that ok sizzlingmee... ko punya kembara special edition tu best sangat la... ;P). i love going to karaoke. yup that's all me. even if it wasn't all these things, she would've found out anyway. she was the one who gave me a testimonial on friendster on which i decided to write an entry on a couple of months ago (brilliant me..). so ok, denying would be futile. so i used another approach - begging her not to continue reading like a lunatic. but it was too late. she said "don't worry. your secret is safe with me". great. that managed to freak me even more.

apart from being an ex-colleague, she is a good friend of mine. we worked together for more than 2 years. she treats me like a brother, and in some ways i treat her like an older sister. she's one of the friends who i can totally be myself when i'm around her. (but by being myself - i don't mean to the extent that i can admit that i'm a plu). we used to hang out together a lot when i was back in m'sia and even now we chat on ym regularly. just last night, both of us were on ym and she suddenly asked me - "so what's your blog address?". "huh" i thought, "that's weird.. i never told any of my friends that i had a blog". i, of course lied to her by saying that i didn't have any. she slyly remarked "kalau i dapat tahu siap la u...". i had a split-second moment of concern that she may have found out about my blog. but i brushed that thought away immediately. i already had a lot of things to think about that i felt that i shouldn't waste my time thinking about 'potential' problems. boy was i wrong.

after i finally managed to calm down, i started asking her how did she find out about this boring, unattractive, not-even-visually-stimulating blog. she said that a plu friend of hers told her about it. yes i was distressed at that time but i couldn't help but think (at least for a moment) "wah... someone actually made reference to my blog in his conversation"... ehehe. ok ... good enough.. so she has other plu friends. that may help a little. i actually wanted to ask her next whether the friend is cute or not but then realised that i was in a serious situation that requires 100% focus and attention. so i (reluctantly) decided to drop that question. what i really needed to know was how she feels about this. and i needed to make her swear on someone's grave that she would never let this piece of information out. so we talked about it. and thank god she was ok with it. it turned out that she has a few plu and transexual friends (well she can definitely add me in that list of friends now). she even jokingly asked me whether i'd like their numbers. i was stumped. i didn't know how to respond to the joke at first. it just felt weird having that joke to come from a friend who didn't know me as a plu up until 24 hours ago. but after a while, i was ok with it. i guess i have to live with these jokes from her now...

i also asked her whether she was surprised after finding out. she said that she was. but it was mostly because of the fact that she knows that i am quite a dutiful muslim (well.. actually there are dutiful muslims who are plu. it's just that we are less dutiful when it comes to these matters... because it's HARD). i also asked her if she ever sensed that i might be a plu. and she said no. "you disguised it well". hmm... i don't know whether i should feel triumphant about it or be more shameful of the fact that i've managed to fool a lot of people from my disguising (?) skills.

i did apologise to her for lying to her all this while. for showing fake interest in girls and all. surprisingly, she said that she understands. it was a relief. but now she is taking advantage of the situation. by blackmailing me. now i am expected to get her something from Tiffany & Co as a souvenir from d*bai. errr... hello - i'm not donald trump ok. but i have to agree with her, it's going to take a lot of discipline to keep this secret. especially when we share the same ex-colleagues who are now good friends to both of us. i hope she has the discipline required.. or i might need to kill her .. heheh (i'm writing this as if she's not gonna check out my blog anymore. ok la. to YOU, you better have the discipline or i will have to kill you.. ;P). in any case, i am grateful that among the non-plu people that i know, she was the one who chanced upon my blog and not someone else. i don't think there is a better person i know who can be more understanding. call me crazy, but i think this is all God's work. and the fact that it happened the way it happened - shows that God loves me in a different level that i've never felt before.

i'm not going to delete my blog just yet (although i did consider it a few moments back). but i don't know... obviously there is some risk involved here. what if it was someone who do not really like me who had come across my blog? he or she would forward my blog's url in a jiffy. i don't know whether i can handle that if that happens. maybe i'll get some 'authorised access' thingy enabled. i don't know. we'll see..

anyway if there is someone who knows me in real-life who have read this blog (and have figured out that it's me), please let me know. and talk to me about it. i can't stop you from being judgemental, but at least give me the opportunity to talk to you about it...

p.s: i was actually pondering about what to write about last night. and i think i was WISHING that i find something interesting to blog about. really got what i wished for, huh.