THE KILLER QUESTION

my boss decided to send me for an ‘intelligent investing’ seminar the other day.. *yawn*. actually, it wasn’t that bad la.. i did learn a thing or two there. a topic on financial planning was presented, and the first thing that the speaker asked his audience was “what do you want in life?”. i have ALWAYS had problem answering this question in absolute honesty, because what i want.. what i really really want more than anything in this world.. is to be str8. (no offense to anyone ok?). not a million bucks, not a merc-benz, not my own business. i just want to be str8. i don’t think all those things would be able to make me truly happy.. but being str8 would make my life a whole lot easier i think. i hate keeping secrets, i hate having to lie to people (i’m a TERRIBLE liar..), i hate feeling guilty when i am aroused by things that i shouldn’t feel aroused by.



somehow i can’t help but feel that it is unfair to be burdened by such problem. i know that everyone has his / her own problem to settle. but most of the other problems are results of bad decisions made by a person. these problems are also rectifiable. if someone is addicted to drugs, it might be because he somehow chose to try it once. then he got addicted. it was an informed decision made by him. so it is ‘fair’ that he has to take responsibility of his past actions. but when it comes to my ‘problem’ , there was no decision-making process involved. i was born with it. i realized it when i was as young as six (advanced kan aku nih?). i didn’t wake up one day and decided to be attracted to the opposite sex. and addicts can actually go to drug rehab centres to seek help.. where can i go to get treatment? has anyone actually recovered from this? i’d really like to meet him.



however, no matter how unjust i feel that i have this problem.. i still believe that god is fair.. tuhan tu maha adil.. sometimes we fail to realize this. because in spite being a PLU (which i consider as a dugaan tuhan).. i have been blessed with other things that some people are not blessed with.. i am thankful to god for blessing me with a good brain, a good heart, a good sense of style (ehem), great colour-coordination sense (ehem again) and to some extent – wealth.. sometimes i need to remind myself about these things. for example, a few people that I know are rather hopeless in studying or excelling in school. It’s not that they don’t try, but they have rather limited abilities. tuhan bagi diorg sampai kat situ je. nak buat camana kan? tapi alhamdulillah aku ni not bad la when it comes to studies and stuff (tak la hebat sgt.. bolehla..). so whenever i wish that i was not a PLU, am i saying that if given the chance i would give up the other things that god has blessed me with just to be straight? i don’t know.. would i rather be an academically challenged str8 guy than who i am now? (again, no offense to anyone). again, i don’t know.



i guess everyone has his/her own share of strengths and weaknesses, superiority and inadequacies.. and it’s up to us to determine how to make use of what we have in the best way possible.. and it’s also up to us to think of how should we go about dealing with our inadequacies. but until i get that sorted out.. i’m just gonna live life as it comes J


DISCLAIMER: i have no intention of offending anyone by writing this entry (actually, i doubt if ANYONE reads this), but just in case, i hope NO ONE feels offended by my writing (especially the cute PLUs.. eheh)