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this will be a short entry - i'm typing in the dark.
i'm supposed to go to bed early tonight as i need to wake up early tomorrow. auditing this company whose offfice is at the other side of the city. and i did go to bed early. lights were off at 10.30 pm. but 55 minutes have passed -and i'm still awake. decided to switch on my laptop and write something (but can't bring myself to get up and switch on the lights).
for two nights in a row, i've had trouble sleeping. it seems like my brain has decided to do some deep, profound thinking about my life during bedtime. about where it is headed. about what will happen. about happiness (and how hopeless i feel about finding happiness). about how unhappy i am with who i am now. and how frustating it is to know that i can't change who i am. and how the fact that i can't change who i am is making me feel dreadful amd miserable about my future.
thinking about all this makes me sad. and lonely. now my emotions are working over time too. i feel terribly alone here. i just wish that someone can give me a hug or something. but there's no one here...
i hate this feeling ...
i'm supposed to go to bed early tonight as i need to wake up early tomorrow. auditing this company whose offfice is at the other side of the city. and i did go to bed early. lights were off at 10.30 pm. but 55 minutes have passed -and i'm still awake. decided to switch on my laptop and write something (but can't bring myself to get up and switch on the lights).
for two nights in a row, i've had trouble sleeping. it seems like my brain has decided to do some deep, profound thinking about my life during bedtime. about where it is headed. about what will happen. about happiness (and how hopeless i feel about finding happiness). about how unhappy i am with who i am now. and how frustating it is to know that i can't change who i am. and how the fact that i can't change who i am is making me feel dreadful amd miserable about my future.
thinking about all this makes me sad. and lonely. now my emotions are working over time too. i feel terribly alone here. i just wish that someone can give me a hug or something. but there's no one here...
i hate this feeling ...
posted by aiskrem_potong at
11:21 PM
11 Comments:
hey you!!! cheer up lah.. dont be so sad lah..
I thought u are coming back home for holiday right... hang on there kejap...
By
zali, at June 25, 2006 12:33 PM
I sympatise with you! Not easy when you're in a far away land where your surroundings are not so familiar.
I know the feeling and somehow I've managed to cast this away deep somewhere in no man's land. I finally realised this after running away from the gay issue for so long. I only concentrated on my career....
Funny you mentioned this... I woke this morning feeling miserable as well. I ask GOD, what do I need to do to find the "happinness that I so deserve? Or do I? In this world, being gay is hard enough let alone closeted!!! hehehe but that's the reality. We take time to come out and hope that during the process we will find someone and then the future will somehow fall into place as well. Two lonely hearts out there eh? :- (
On a happy note, look at this, you're in one of the most happening places on earth. Everytime there is something new, somehow Dubai is featured. You're have a great job - that helps you live the lifestyle that you enjoy.... I hear that Dubai is pretty cosmopolitan.... so saviour this opportunity. Be positive, be cheeful....and you never know that with this positive attitude on life, you'll attract good company. Stay cool man...and focus on being happy and being alive...That's a start! have a good week ahead and don't work too hard.
Cheers, Ian
By
Maximus Leo, at June 25, 2006 7:01 PM
Bro, am clueless as to what should I write to cheer you up because I'm not a motivational speaker nor do I am an orator. Let alone having the flair of the language to express my sympathy to you.
Perhaps, the sms I received from a dear friend of mine last Thursday would enable you to see the bigger picture of what life is and hence, cheer you up a little bit.
It says as follows (in B. Melayu):
'Kadangkala Allah hilangkan sekejap matahari, kemudian dia datangkan pula guruh dan kilat, puas kita menangis mencari di mana matahari, rupa2nya Allah nak hadiahkan kita pelangi.'
You would be so thankful for the not-so happy thought about the sad feelings (like what you're experiencing now), as it should make you a better person once you've overcome that without you noticing it. You don't like it now but it will help you later dear.
Bro, I've been 'crying' in the dark when all living souls in the house and the houses next door are all in the dream land. The sms I received (above) was somehow the believe I instilled in me to bring me through and out of the sadness of my tormenting life I've had to endure.
After all, life is not meant to be easy. The challenges, the sadness, the happiness, and whatever things happen to us that make up the colours of our life.
Cheer up ya bro!
By
Anonymous, at June 26, 2006 5:12 AM
as i have learnt a not-so-long time ago, you have to accept yourself as you are if you want to feel happy about life in general.
oh sure, sometimes life will throw you the monkey wrench to screw things up but as the saying goes, you pick yourself up and walk again. life's too short to worry about things you can't control. what matters the most is yourself.
and to make me sound so much like a new age guru, to paraphrase from the book "the present" by Spencer Johnson (author of best selling book, who moved my cheese), you learn from your past, and you plan for your future, but don't live life in the past and the future, live it in the present.
take life one day at a time. i'm sure you'll find it much more manageable.
By
Anonymous, at June 26, 2006 5:57 AM
bro...apasal lama tak online nie...?
By
Anonymous, at June 28, 2006 2:33 PM
Well, I have a feeling I'm gonna be in the phase you're now in at one point in my life, since we're both facing similar predicament. I guess I'm not one the who dwell on the future too much but I can't ask you to do the same, right?! I'm handling things as they come. So far, it works for me. ;p
I'm sure once you get home to Malaysia, you'll feel better.
*hugs*
By
akihisa, at June 28, 2006 9:16 PM
I guess u might be having what some people called quarter life crisis
By
zali, at June 29, 2006 11:57 AM
zali:
thx bro.... can't wait to go back really. but i'm just worried that i'll be depressed again once i come back from that holiday.... cos i won't have anything to look forward to in the near future anymore....
maximus leo:
thx for the advice dude. i guess we are similar in many aspects ;). anyway, dubai may be hip and happening but unfortunately i am not ... heheh. but i have been making some new friends here. i guess that's a start...
synchro:
thanx... those words managed to allow me to look at things a bit differently. i'm feeling much better now.
asmadi:
i'm afraid taking life one at a time is a bit too much too ask for me. i've always been a planner (and a worrier). should really try and be spontaneous kan? like you ;P
shima:
i'm in a middle of an audit. not connected la kat auditee's office..
akihisa:
yup i'm sure i'll be better in malaysia. it's the after-effect of coming back to msia that i'm worried about... ;(.
if u can help it, don't dwell on the future so much. stay on yr current mode. i think u'll be less miserable.
*hugs back*
By
aiskrem_potong, at June 30, 2006 11:54 PM
That's the spirit.. cheer up! Do one thing at a time.. worry one thing at a time.. handle one thing at a time.. things will be OK..
By
Anonymous, at July 03, 2006 3:18 PM
That's the spirit.. cheer up! Do one thing at a time.. worry one thing at a time.. handle one thing at a time.. things will be OK..
By
Anonymous, at July 03, 2006 3:19 PM
hey bro..rileksla..nanti u balik Malaysia i give u a BIG HUG!!!! ok...Cheer up..
By
Anonymous, at July 05, 2006 6:16 AM
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