WHAT'S GOING ON INSIDE AISKREMPOTONG'S HEAD?

those of you who know me personally will know that i've been struggling with a tough decision this past month. you see, i have received a job offer from a company back home. it was a company which i have always been interested in joining. not because of the remuneration, but because of what the company does. and also what i can do potentially in my position to help what the company does. it feels like with this job, i can finally use my skills and knowledge to contribute to the society. to my ummah. it was more like a dream JOB to me.

but, ironically (my life is full of ironies) this is also the time when my evil boss here decided to give me a big fat increment. it was like a dream SALARY to me :P. so needless to say, i was torn.

i have not been happy staying here. in the past year, there were times when i was feeling so down that i hit a new low. lack of friends, housemate from hell, sucky boss, a few online 'relationships' which gone bad - nottttt a pretty year for me. but from the outside, everyone thinks that it has been a great year. good salary, working overseas, losing weight. i was determined to go back after getting my bonus. so that's why i set on looking for a job. and lucky for me (OR unlucky for me), i landed on my dream job.

hence, the big, jumbo-sized dilemma. almost everyone i know told me that i should stay. this opportunity may not come by again (which i have to admit, is true. being a local graduate with no professional qualification, what i have know is really ..err.. "very neat"). however, being someone who has always made the "less popular" decisions thoughout his life, i didn't want to listen to what they say. i think i know myself best. and what is best for me. the best for my career. and i deserve happiness. at least i'll be happier in kl than here. so i told everyone that i was adamant about leaving. my dad was crushed. my brothers and sisters ask me to re-think about it. my friends said that i was crazy. and when i told my boss about my decision, he had me sit for 90 minutes because he couldn't believe that i made that decision (i told him a day after i got my increment).

however, slowly and slowly,due to tremendous pressure from everyone asking me to reconsider, i started to think differently. perhaps my future employer can give me another opportunity in the future. even if that fails, maybe there will be other companies in the same industry (although not many) who might want to take me in later. since i'm hoping to build up my ssavings this year, i could probably offer myself at a lower rate just for me to get into the industry. and maybe this year will not be as sucky as last year. i'm getting my own apartment this year - a cute 1 bedroom apartment just for myself. and boss will be hiring new people to replace the 3 who has left. he should have learned his lesson not to hire another "housemate". so i hope that he will find some competent, nice, cute plu to work with me (i'm kidding i'm kidding...competent and nice is good enough for me). plus, it will look more impressive on my resume if i clock two years here instead of one. and personally, i do want to stay in this country a little bit longer because i want to visit places around this region before i go back. and as long as i promise myself not to get into another virtual relationship, i should be fine - NO HEARTBREAK in 2007.. woohoo!!! :P

so, in the end, i have decided to slug it out for another year here. and i will try to love this country this year. it's been a year but i don't think i know enough about this country. so i will try to know more about the country. instead of reading m'sian online newspaper everyday, i will subscribe to the local newspaper now (that way i will know when and where the sale is going on :P). i will blog more often. i will buy a treadmill and work it! :P. and i will try to live more stress-free and stop doing things that stress me. like shaving. or ironing. or cleaning my bathroom. from now on, i'm going to outsource those services. why? because i'm worth it! hahahah...

tomorrow, i will call the company in m'sia to inform them that i am declining the offer. i relly hope that they won't be pissed at me and will still consider me in the future (if only i could bribee them with something.. heheheh *evil thought). if they are, that would be the best. i would be able to get the best of both worlds eventually. but if they are not receptive to that, i guess i'll just have to let go of this dream job of mine. why? because this is what the people around me want. because of the money. because they want me to live their dream. i mean, this is partly my dream too. but i have another dream which i think is more noble (which is the job back in m'sia), and not as materialistic as this dream. yep, truth be told, i'm not really that proud of myself right now. it feels like i have lost a battle. i just hope that god will help me find a way to redeem myself later.

one thing i'm starting to realise is that maybe it's not so good to plan everything in advance. to think so much of the future. because life can just throw something at you that will tip the balance of your decision and your plan which will eventually cause things to be more complicated and makes the decision making process harder. just like what happens to me. if i wasn't such a planner, i wouldn't have gotten my friend to get me an interview when i was back home for just a week last hari raya haji. and wouldn't have prepared so well for it that i nailed it. and i wouldn't have gotten the offer which is now really the cause of my big headache. if there was no offer, there was really no decision to be made. i would have just stayed on for another year. but nooooooooo .... i just HAD to plan *grunts*

anyway, i appreciate you guys leaving your comments if you wish to do so (i do need all the kata2 perangsang that i could get :P), but if your comment is about how my decision is the wrong decision and how i should follow my dream and not others, please refrain from doing so. it's not that because i don't want to listen to your opinion, but because it would be too late. and believe me, i've been thinking about this for soooo long and sooooo hard. it feels like i have thought about everything there IS to be thought about in this matter. sampai demam2 (i'm not kidding). i'm just so bloody tired to think about this anymore. i'm just going into my second year in this country head on.

bring it on !!!!