CRUSHED (AGAIN)

let me tell you what has happened to me TWICE in the past four months. some guy said hi to me on ym after seeing my profile on some website. apparently, he thinks i'm kinda cute (i'm an acquired taste la.. fyi). we chatted. we clicked. unbelievably well. both of us were flirting with each other like nobody's business. i started developing feelings towards the other guy and he seems to be developing some feeling towards me too. before it went any further, i asked the guy whether he is attached with anyone. the guy would tell me that he as broken up with the previous boyfriend and has been single for xx months. thinking that it was ok, i continued communicating with the guy. after some time, i decided to do a stop check on where things are going (mostly because i want to avoid the 'bertepuk sebelah tangan' thing).

the guy would answer that he has feelings for me. that any guy would be lucky to have me. but he feels that we should just remain close friends at the moment. some (presumably bogus) reasons were given. after much interrogating, he finally admitted that his boyfriend wants to get back together. and now he's torn. he doesn't know what to do. i'm so far away... and the old boyfriend is someone familiar. he feels hopeless. suddenly he is the victim in this whole situation.
"but whatever it is, i hope we can remain close friends. i really enjoy your company. and believe me, i do have feelings for you."

loosely translated: i think you are ok... and i would want to have you as a back-up just in case things don't work out again between me and my boyfriend. you know.. the get-back-together -again thing? so until i know for sure, i'm just going to flirt with you - not too much until i'm having to commit to anything, but not too little until you lose interest in me.

WHAT THE FCUK?

for a guy he doesn't really get the chance to be in touch with other plu's back home. being crushed twice in four months is one time too many. not only it is devastating, it is EMBARRASSING. it's embarrassing how i let myself get into the same mess again this quick. i mean, what is wrong with me? why do i seem to attract these kind of people anyway? do i have a "I'M GULLIBLE AND YOU CAN LIE TO ME ALL YOU WANT CAUSE I WILL BELIEVE EVERYTHING THAT YOU SAY" across my forehead? and why do people have to lie? is it like a very plu thing to do? or is it the IN thing to do right now? whatever it is - i think it's high time for me to swallow the fact that:

PEOPLE LIE.. ALL THE TIME

i didn't want to be someone who is skeptical about everything. who needs to take everything people say with a pinch of salt. i didn't want to be like my mum (who thinks bad about everyone until she is proven wrong). i want to be someone who thinks good about everyone until proven wrong. but to uphold this principle is taking a toll on me. especially in the relationship department. plu relationship department. i have never been felt betrayed in my previous (not stimulating) heterosexual relationship. but i guess mum knows best.

maybe it has something to do with the fact that i don't lie. i don't lie because i'm a bad liar. and also because it's not a very good thing to do. especially if it's for your own interest one of the miss world 2006 contestants said that her motto is "don't do things to people which you don't like them to do to you." i think this is my motto too. . . i mean, of course being a closeted plu is all about lying. but it's not like i have an option. when there is an option, i would try not to lie. because i think honesty pays. but maybe it's time for me to do some serious re-evaluation of my whole "belief" system.

it is sad when your world forces you to let go of your good qualities. to be less of a person. it is sad that in order to survive, you need to sacrifice what you believe in. i'm an idealistic - i know. but i think it won't be long before i put that title to rest. it's the same thing about my (previous) character as a punctual person. i've put that to rest too. after being the ONLY person who arrives on time for the umpteenth time, i've decided to put a stop to it. now, there is one less punctual person in this world, and one more tardy person. and pretty soon, there'll be one less honest person in this world too..

aren't you ashamed of yourself, world?