aiskrempotong-ism

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

LETTING MY GUARDS DOWN

DISCLAIMER: for those of you who personally know me, i'd prefer it if you guys skip this entry. actually, it's for your own good. you might feel extremely nauseated after you finish reading this.


he's 25. the first time we established contact was when he sent me a message on myspace, asking if he can be friends with me (and he threw in some compliments just to indicate that he was interested la i guess). this happened the day after i got back to d*bai after my raya holiday, about 2 months ago. i checked out his profile. very cute (in my opinion la kan). instant attraction. and i scrutinised his page a little bit just to get an indication of the type of person he is. he seemed decent enough. so naturally, i replied.

after exchanging a few messages on myspace, we exchanged ym ids. started chatting on ym after that.. day by day. he works in shifts, which is convenient to the both of us due to the time zone difference (he's in kl btw) and the fact that sometimes they block ym in my office.

we started chatting on ym. being someone who has been doing this online dating thing for the last 2-3 years, there was nothing that really distinguished this guy from the rest of the guys i chatted with (well, except for the fact that i find him extremeeeely cute). he didn't impress me with his canggih choice of words... neither did he charm me with sweet nothings (aiyoo... i cant believe i wrote that. i told you some of you will vomit didn't i?). but bit by bit, i learned to be amazed by his honesty.. and by him. just by being himself.

his honesty struck me when i first ask for his real name (i usually ask for people's name so that i can google them up..hehehe). this was on the 4th or 5th day of chatting kot. he refused to give me his name then. "too soon to tell you". that's what he said. being an (almost) expert on online dating (can i call it that?), i can tell you that nnot many people would give this answer. they either tell the truth, or they'd make up a name for you. once they think that they are prepared to tell you their name, they'll say "actually nama i bukan .... it's actually ....". but his answer, was unheard of before. i was instantly impressed. (anyway now i know his real name la.. and even his ic no. but nothing came up after i googled the name la).

and he is brutally honest when it comes to telling things about himself. there were some unflattering bits about his childhood and even about his life now, but he was never ashamed to tell me about it. being someone who has been blessed with a comparatively better childhood, i learned a few things from his stories. i learned to be more grateful (which i always seem to forget to be) and i learn to admire him. admire him for being able to pull through. and somehow, it made me feel that he deserves to be loved by someone. and i want to be that person (nausea alert)

it is obvious that we lead somewhat different lives. and he may not be the person who i had pictured myself with before. i guess i've learned that the person i had pictured myself may not even exist. even if he exists, he may not be gay. even if he is gay, he may not be available. even if he's available, he may not like me (i can go on forever with this). i've always pictured being with someone who shares the same level of education with me, same level of 'language proficiency' (for lack of a better word), same level of 'economic status' (also for lack of a better word) someone who is stupendously funny and kind but MUCH cuter than me (hehehe). this guy doesn't really fit the aforementioned criterias (i'm writing smses in bahasa melayu sekarang yeee). but after a few years of searching, i think it's time i throw away all these criterias out the wondow and just find someone whom i think deserves me (wahh!!). and (fingers crossed) i think may have found him.

before, i never wrote anything about my current love interests. i always thought that if things don't work out, i would be embarrassed. so i only wrote about relationships which already did not work out when i wrote them (keeping in line with the 'pathetic' theme of my blog). i was holding back. but i have to say that i've changed a little bit now. this current relationship(?) has changed me. i don't hold back so much anymore. once i got rid of the criterias and learned to go with the flow, i learned to be more accepting of the other party. once i became more accepting, i learned to be more honest with my feelings. and expressive with it too. previously, i'd feel geli just to say that "i miss you" to someone. now with him, i say it like 5 times a day. without the slightest feeling of geli. i realised that i may not be as emotionally unavailable as i thought i was (phew). so in the spirit of being expressive and letting my guards down, i am writing this entry.

i'm going back to kl tonite. to my family, i'm using the hari raya haji as a pretext to go home. the truth is, i'm not really going back because of raya haji. i'm going back because i need to see him. i don't think i can do this any longer - having feelings with someone i've never met. it's not the 1950's where you fall in love with a pen pal but you can't do anything about it (at least that's how things were as my mom told me). i'm going back because i just need to see this person who i have been falling for in the last 2 months. the person whom i can't seem to stop thinking about everyday. the person who has given me enough joy that other people started commenting that i look "happier" nowadays.

fingers are crossed. wish me luck.

oh, and selamat hari raya aidiladha

12 Comments:

  • hi there...

    dont forget to write about your new date....

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at December 22, 2007 12:40 PM  

  • hope he's the one... :-)

    good luck!!!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at December 22, 2007 11:50 PM  

  • wah wah wah... ada cinta hati sekarang!

    Tahniah!!

    By Blogger azam, at December 24, 2007 6:26 PM  

  • Bro,

    Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Adha.

    Wishing u well and my sincere hope that he is the joy and love that you have been looking for all this time ;-)

    Salam,
    MIM

    By Blogger The2010Imran, at December 25, 2007 9:44 AM  

  • Love is in the air....rick

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at December 26, 2007 10:04 AM  

  • Awww.. so romantic! So what happens next!

    By Blogger savante, at December 28, 2007 8:14 PM  

  • if i'd known u look like bam samson..i would ask u out..seriously..:)

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at December 29, 2007 2:49 PM  

  • sapa nie bam samson nie???

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at December 31, 2007 8:37 AM  

  • he's the frontman of the Indonesian Rock Band, Samson. Check him out. While you checking them out, do chck their guitarist, Irfan. sizzling hot.!! :)

    p/s: im the anonymous who would ask u out k..

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at January 01, 2008 8:14 PM  

  • Happy New Year 2008 bro! ;-)

    Semoga cita2, impian dan hajat mu dapat kamu kecapi di tahun 2008 ini.

    Salam,
    MIM

    By Blogger The2010Imran, at January 02, 2008 12:39 PM  

  • i know this would be a tad late... mmm... ok la... a LOT late... but i'm wishing u a happy new year, and wish that he IS the one u looking for.

    u lucky bitch...

    :P

    cheers!!

    By Blogger Musang, at January 03, 2008 9:03 PM  

  • to everyone:

    thanks for the comments and wishes :) happy new year to you guys too!! as what you guys can tell from the new entry, i'm kinda having mixed emotions about this whole cintan2 thing. yes, i do think i have found the one. it's just that being away from him sucks and is causing unnecessary complications. anyway, i hope i'll be able to resolve it in due time.

    and as for 'anonymous' who would ask me out (eheh..), i dont really look like bam samsons la... if i looked like him, i dont think my life would be this pathetic kot. u can always ym me if u want to know for sure. hehehe (sempat lagi nih)

    By Blogger aiskrem_potong, at January 04, 2008 5:50 PM  

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