EXHAUSTED

i've actually written an entry on how my trip back to malaysia was. on what happened when i met him. but after finished writing it, i realised that the entry was a little bit too personal. so i've decided to keep that one just for my own reading later. suffice to say that it was among the best days that i had for a very very long time.

oh, and i'm no longer single. finally. eheh.

when i told my friend rick about this (who btw is a full-time critic of this blog), he said "finally! so i guess we can expect less negative entries from you after this right?"

err.. not really rick.

ten days into my relationship, and i feel like a wreck. to all you guys out there, i have one advice. if you are entering a relationship for the first time, do yourself a favour and get a normal one. none of this long-distance crap. because seriously, it's hard.

in my previous entry, i wrote about how i couldn't wait to see him. in my mind, all the unsettling feeling that i had would go away once i see him. it's either i would like him, or i wouldn't like him. it turned out that i LOVE him. and i had to leave him again two days after finding out that i love him. and admittedly, the (very sucky) circumstances that i am faced with is not helping me to get this unsettling feeling away. if before i was feeling unsettled, now i think i'm going crazy.
a few days back, he accidentally left his handphone at home for the whole day. i went berserk the whole day. i thought he has lost interest in me and was ready to dump me. when he finally called me, i was so relieved. but it was also then that i realised how insecured i feel in this relationship.

i am not worried about the presence of a third person. i trust him on that. what i am worried about is if this is a litle bit too much for him. because frankly it is a little bit too much for even ME to handle at the moment. me - the reason for this whole long distance arrangement thing. and me - someone who has always tortured myself and deprive myself of things for reasons only known to myself (most of the times, that is. sometimes i don't even know why i do such things). what about him? i can say for sure that he is a much less complicated person that i am. will he be able to take it?

which is why i've been analyzing all his actions. how fast is he responding to my sms-es, the things that he write in his sms-es - everything. from how long the messages are to how many times did he call me sayang. and whether he wrote it as 'sayang' or 'syg' or 'yang' or worse, just 'yg'. because i need to make sure that his interest in me has not diminished. but me being (stupid old) me, i feel the need to question everything. like why did he sms me when he woke up yesterday but not today?

obviously, i have some expectations of his commitment in this relationship. i am willing to devote a whole lot to make this work and i feel like he should be willing to do the same. unfortunately, he has fell short below my expectation level a few times. what i see currently is an inconsistent level of initiative from his part. and this is really confusing me. maybe we both deal with the situation differently. i need to hear from him as much as possible to make up for the distance. maybe that's not the way he deals with it. maybe it's enough for him to know that i love him and he will deal with his 'kerinduan' on his own. which is why he doesn't feel the need to contact me so much. OR maybe he loves me less than i love him. which i think is constantly my greatest fear at the moment.

i'm exhausted. i need help, people.