A LESSON I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE TO LEARN

there was one time when i felt so embarrassed and like a total failure that i wished that i could just vanish into thin air. i was in form 5 then. it was after the spm trials. that day, our maths teacher was passing out our maths paper result. i didn't expect to do so well for it (i was rather playful in form 5 and i had a lot of ..err issues). but i wasn't prepared for the results that i was going to receive. out of the 19 students in my class, i was the only one who did not get an A. and it was maths, not add maths. maths was supposed to be a piece of cake. and to add salt on the wound, i went to my english literature class after that, just to find that i got the lowest score in that class too.



at that point, i felt totally humiliated. a total failure. i sulked for days.. i couldn't even talk to my close friends because i was so humiliated. i thought about how good a student i was especially in primary school and how did i end up being the dumbest kid in class (although it was a very prestigious school).



so i wrote a letter to myself. it started off with "dear me," and it went on about me consoling myself.. telling that i understand how "i" was feeling, and how "i" should take this positively. and that i shouldn't get my spirits down. that it was just a minor setback. i still have the letter somewhere back home. it was 2 pages long, written in red ink. (the handwriting was fabulous, as always)



i pasted the letter in my locker and i would look at it everyday. yes, it's cliched but it really helped. it boosted my spirit slowly and it made me determined to do better. it felt like someone was supporting me. someone who understood how i was feeling at the time. and during the second trials, i got a 91. wasn't the highest - but among the top scores in the class. my maths teacher actually paused dramatically before my point was announced (yes he used to read the scores out loud). and the class clapped. i can't really remember my scores for my next english literature trial exam, but i know it was better too. (and fyi, i nailed both papers during the actual spm)



right now, i am feeling as miserable as i was during that particular day in 1997 when i received my maths and e-lit (that's what we used to call english literature) results. a total failure. and i really need that letter that i wrote 11 years ago to myself.



as many of you may know, i've been involved with a guy for the last few months. i have always wanted to be in a relationship, and after almost 3 years of looking, i believed i found the one. it's true what they say - opposites attract. it was really the case for me. he was a third grade spm holder who does not even know who his real parents are. his life, to me, was all about survival. but he was so sweet and he was so honest that it made me fall for him (one thing about me is that i am easily touched by other people's misfortunes). and i have to admit, to me he is quite a looker. given all those combinations, it was hard for me not to resist him. the weird thing is that one of the main reasons (apart from his looks) why i want to be with him is so that i can provide him with the love and guidance that i felt was missing in his life. i wanted to help him to further his studies, get better jobs, start praying again (he told me that it had been years since he last prayed). i swear to god, it's true.



after chatting online and spending hours on the phone (which costed me thousands of dollars) for about 2 months, i finally got the chance to see him. we met for 3 days and it was among the happiest days of my life. at the end of the 3rd day before i returned to d*bai, i proposed. he accepted. i was a happy man. very happy man. when i touched down, i saw 21 missed calls from him. i told him that i would arrive at 9pm and he thought it was 9 pm msian time (it was 9pm d*bai time, which means 1 am msian time). that's why he had been calling me endlessly. when i called him back, he sounded so worried and relieved at the same time. i really felt the love at the time. i had no doubt about his feelings for me.



unfortunately, everything started to go downhill from then on. 5 months into the relationship, and i've only seen him for a total of 8 days. the last time i met him was on the 9th of february. this long distance thing was already a big challenge to overcome. to make things worse, he chose to quit his job in march after he had an argument with his supervisor at work. he has been stuggling to find a good job since then and has been borrowing money from me to survive.



for the longest time, i believed EVERYTHING that he said. actually, that's what's terribly wrong about me. i trust people f*cking so easily. it's so easy to earn my trust. just tell me something that you should be embarrassed about and i would just stamp the word "HONEST" right across your forehead. no questions asked after that. he did this way before i met him by telling all his flaws (he drinks, he uses ecstacy, he doesn't pray). so he got his stamp right away.



so being the best boyfriend in the world, i went on to help him with whatever i can, given my position a few thousand miles away from him. i did his resume, i sms-ed him job vacancies i found on the internet, i gave him money, i topped up his mobile phone credit. i was worried about him the whole time. i was already making flight reservations to bring him here with me, because i was so worried for him.



it was only at the end of march that i first realised that he lied to me about something. i was heartbroken. i confronted him but he denied it. i decided to break up with him. but it only lasted a week. i was weak. i was so madly in love with him that i tried to justify why he was lying to me. "when he lied to me about that, we weren't even a couple yet" i said to myself. so i believed that he wouldn't have lied to me if we were a couple. so in the end, i decided to continue the relationship. "but no more lies" i said. he promised that he won't do it again. so we continued on, having a relationship based on sms-es and the occasional phone call. i've had at least 3 nights without sleep because he failed to sms me on those particular days (yeah i'm crazy). he continued on with his inconsistencies in contacting me, and he would continue to ask to borrow some money once in a while. i was starting to realise what could be the real reason why he is in this relationship with me.



then earlier this month, i discovered another lie that he told me. but even until now he doesn't know that i know about it. i thought that it was hopeless to confront him now so i chose to remain quiet. and i decided that i was not going to let him borrow from me anymore. so when he asked 2 weeks ago, i actually said no. it was very difficult for me to say no because i know that he needed it. and a few hundred bucks means a lot more to him that it does to me. i was afraid that he would stop contacting me if i refused. but i did it anyway.



the good news is that he did not totally stop contacting me, but the communication is considerably less. but the bad thing was, i started hearing things about him which i wished i didn't need to. he has not been faithful. yeah, many of you guys would have expected it. even my friends said thought so. but i didn't. because hey, i have been faithful all this time. i had not even responded to messages in myspace after he became my boyfriend. i guess i would be a tough act to follow, huh? but it doesn't matter. the fact was he lied to me.



now, i'm at the point that i don't even know which part of this relationship was he being honest to me. it's sad to think that it's possible that he was never honest in his feelings towards me. while i, on the other hand, gave him NOTHING but my true feelings for him. and it's even more sad because that this is my first relationship. people say that your first relationship is always something that you'll remember and cherish for life. well, my first relationship could very well be with a golddigger and a compulsive liar.



at this point of time, we are technically still together (although i don't really know what that means to him). he doesn't know that i know about all his nasty secrets. and i really don't know what to do. i am only going back in a month's time. somehow, i don't want to break up with him now. i have thought of revenge. but i don't know if i could pull it off. and i've thought about closure. and i've thought about (i know many people would want to hit my head with a hard object when i say this), him another chance if he confesses to all those things. because really, part of me wants to help him get a better life. because the life that he leads right now will not bring him anywhere (although it almost brought him to d*bai.. thank god). really, i just don't know what to do. and to think that i need to wait another month before i can settle this - it's driving me crazy.



what saddens me most is that i feel like the things which i think were my good values were the things that has caused all this heartache. my honesty has lead me to believe that other people should be honest too. my faithfulness has lead me to believe that everyone else should be faithful too. and my "cepat kesian" nature has resulted me in being fooled over and over again blindly. and to have all this happen to you in your first relationship (after searching for 2 years), is just TOO PAINFUL. i really bring the term "unlucy in love" to a whole new level don't i?



apart from not knowing what to do with him, i am now faced with a big dilemma. what do i do now? how do i go on after this? do i start being skeptical with everything everyone says? how do i know what to trust and what not to trust? i don't think i can live with all the skepticism. i used to believe in the 'buat baik dibalas baik' crap. and i use to hate it when my mom expresses her unwillingness to trust. but it seems like what i believe in has really backfired on me. now i've lost my trust in people. i've lost the innocent view that i once had. i can never see things the same way again. it's just like losing your virginity, you can never get it back (but i wouldn't know how that feels yet actually. eheh)



at least one thing i learned from this whole thing is that i am capable of loving someone. actually, that's an understatement. i can REALLY REALLY love someone. i had my doubts earlier, but now i know that i make a terrific boyfriend. really, anyone is lucky to have me (as long as they don't mind the slight love handles). because now i've learned that honesty and fidelity are not things that many people have. add those qualities with good heart, financial stability, intelligence, amazing voice and dashing good looks (kasik can la.. im heartbroken ni) - i really am a catch, aren't i?

well this 'catch' - is currently wounded.