GOTTA GET THRU THIS

my sister has always had marital problems. she's been married for almost 15 years now to her high school boyfriend. i think she met him when she was in form 2. so basically they've been together for more than 25 years.

within their marriage of 15 years, they've had 3 children. but within the 15 years of marriage, the husband was without a job for at least 7 years out of that 15 years, leaving her to be the sole breadwinner of the family and to take care of her children. her husband quit a permanent job to try his hands in business. and since then, he has suffered one business failure after another. and he had physically abused her countless times.

everyone in my family (including myself) thinks that her husband is a useless bum and she should have left him years ago. and she actually tried a few times. but they are still married until now. i personally wasn't able understand it. it was crystal clear how she is on the losing side of the relationship. why would she continue to be in this kind of marriage?

but after the thing that has happened to me, i think i am now able to understand why she is still holding on to her marriage. because when emotions are involved, nothing is crystal clear.

basically, i am her in my previous relationship. the one at the losing end. the one who's suffering. everyone who knows me thinks that i should leave him. but as with other relationships, there are of course some good times. the times when you can really feel the love from the other party. and just like her, i've only had a relationship with one person in my life so far. so at this point in time, as much as i want to believe it, i am not sure that i will find someone who can give me the good times (despite the overwhelming and unbearable bad times that came with it). but unlike my sister, i'm trying to be a little more optimistic about the future.

i have ended the relationship.

at this point, i wish i could strongly say that it's the right thing to do. but i can't. there is still a lot of "what if's" that's lingering in my mind at the moment. but all i know is that if i decide to continue with him, i'd probably be the way i was in the last 4 months, which was lunacy. and i do not want that. so at this point of time, breaking up seems like a better option.

yes. i'm struggling. i am a perfectionist, i have an emotional maturity of an infant and i am a thinker. all these are making it so difficult for me to get past through this. but i know that i need to get through this. i owe this to myself, i owe this to my family and i owe it to my friends. heck i even owe this to my boss. it's time to get my life up and running again.

to my friends, thank you. thank you for putting up with my crap so far. thank you for your patience and thank you for all the advice. believe me, i know how annoying i have been to you guys in the past few months. and i am very very sorry. but i'm afraid i still need your help in getting through this phase. so do bear with me for a little bit more ok... (*smiles sheepishly*)