PARTING IS SUCH SWEET SORROW...

the past 2 weeks or so had been 'turbulent' for me to say the least... resigning from my job, meeting friends for the last time before i go, packing and moving back to ipoh, leaving kl, getting things ready for dubai... it had been overwhelming for me. i am embarrassed to admit this, but i had a few minor breakdowns along the way - some when i was alone and some in the company of others. at times it did feel like it was a bit too much for me to handle. and having to go through all this trouble for something which i am not really looking forward to makes it even worse. parting goodbyes with your close friends.. knowing that the next time you're back they'd probably be married and you won't be able to hang out with them so much anymore.. thinking about how you're going to miss your friends' weddings (seriously - many of my friends are tying the knot this year) .. not being able to be there to share their happiness... you can't help but feel a bit emotional.

i love my friends. and i am grateful to have (most of) them as my friends. being someone who is not a kl local, you rely a lot on your friends - for companionship, for advice, for help. that is why having to part with them (albeit temporarily) leaves quite an impact with me. strangely enough i think having to part with them is harder than having to part with some of my family members. although i don't come from a broken family, i do wish that my family is less dysfunctional than it is now. i don't really have the best siblings in the world (they can be vicious and mean at times). and i seem to have issues with my mom ENDLESSLY (it's sad when the person who is supposed to understand you best doesn't know you that well at all). don't get me wrong - i still love them and i know that i should be grateful. but you can't help but wish that they / she could be a little bit more affectionate to this younger brother of theirs / son of hers...

when i told my friends that i was going to spend a few days in ipoh before i leave for dubai, they'd say to me "nak balik ipoh ni nak bermanja2 dgn yr mom la ni...". i just smiled to that comment. because seriously, i knew that it wasn't going to happen. in fact, i knew that there is a good chance that i would get upset by my mom and/or my siblings. and true enough, it only took her an hour after i reached home before she managed to upset me with her words. was i being a bit too sensitive? perhaps. but the thing is, as my mom, she SHOULD know that i am that sensitive. plus, if she can refrain from being so direct when it comes to my brother (apparently her favourite child) why can't she do the same for me? i'm leaving the country in a few days' time for god's sake!! does it hurt to show a little bit of consideration? don't tell me that she may not realise that what she says bothers me because i made it clear to her that it does. but without fail, she would manage to come out with something that could just spoil your day (it's quite impressive actually how she manages to do this everytime we meet). all i wanted was a nice, stress-free last couple of days in ipoh with my family before i leave. but in my family's case, this is obviously a little bit too much to ask.

having a mom who practices favouritism sucks when you are not the favourite. and being a person who preaches equality to all human kind and abhors monopoly / inequality, i just refuse to accept the fact that someone else is getting a better treatment than me due to reasons that i fail to comprehend. that's why i become more observant to the things she do and the things she say - to look for a hint of equality. i'm not asking to BE a favourite - just equality. i'll be looking at everything - from who gets offered for extra helpings of rice during dinnertime to who needs to bring his dirty clothes for washing and who doesn't need to do so (cos she would personally pick up HIS clothes from HIS room). but sadly my observations further proves that inequality exists. i may sound childish by pointing these things out.. but i can't help it. these things are how my mom expresses her affection and for the most part.. i get very little of it.

maybe being away from my family will do me some good. maybe having minimal communication with them would help improve the situation. maybe being away will enable them appreciate my presence better (well at least that's one of my friends said to me..)

anyway, i'll be off to dubai in about 21 hours. this will be my last entry in m'sia. i don't quite know when is my next entry going to be but i hope that it will be soon. but i have to say that in view of some recent events (which i can't say here) ... there might be some changes. i don't know... i have yet to think about it. anyway, for those who have been checking my blog regularly, thank you for your support and interest. i really appreciate it. i apologise if what i have written so far may have hurt anyone's feelings (linda onn for example). and for the readers whom i know personally, thank you guys. i may not be able to meet up with some of you before i leave but i hope that we'll stay in touch. please pray for my happiness, success and strength (i'm gonna need a lot of this).

ma'assalama...

p.s. happy CNY to those who are celebrating it!!