END OF A CHAPTER

hey guys,

i am currently sitting at my office cubicle.. waiting to handover this laptop back to the office coordinator in about an hour. this is probably going to be my last entry in d*bai. as some of you may know, i have decided to quit my job here and move back to malaysia. i have actually been dreaming of this day the moment i stepped foot in this country and it is finally happening.
a lot of people have been asking me how do i feel about leaving this place. i have always been a nostalgic person. i get teary eyed everytime i leave a company. i remember when i was in form 2, and it was the last day of school. i was in the afternoon session at the time and form 2 was the last year of afternoon session. i got so nostalgic and sentimental of the fact that that was the last day that i would be in the afternoon session that i cried before going to school (maybe that's how much i hate waking up extra early in the morning to attend the morning session but that's not the point). this time around, i do still feel sad but the feeling of sadness is overwhelmed by the feeling of excitement. i'm excited about going back for raya, excited about my new life in kl, excited about meeting ..emm .. new acquaintances.. so, there's very little time for reminiscing.

but whatever it is, my 2 years and 8 months in d*bai will be a phase in my life that i will always remember (thankfully i have my blog and some other d*bai friend's blogs to remind me of the times here). as much as i would like to bitch about how awful this place is, in totality i am glad that i have made the decision to try out this country when i got the offer almost years ago. i was 25 back then, barely out of the closet, having a ball of a time exploring this part of me which was kept inside for so long, and i actually loved my job at the time. it was difficult making the decision - sleepless nights were involved. but in the end, i made the decision to come here. and i'm kinda glad that i did.

so this is me, saying goodbye to a phase of my life in which i have learnt so much from. it is also a phase in which i get more confused about life. well, i guess it;s true what they say, the more you know, the more questions you'll have.if this blog was a book, then this would be the end of a chapter. and readers, get ready for the next chapter. it's promised to be more sizzling! hahaha..

ps: selamat hari raya and maaf zahir batin to everyone!! enjoy your raya!!

BEING TWENTY EIGHT

as hard as it is, the truth needs to be swallowed. yeap, i am now 28. of course, the normal reaction from 30-something and 40-something year old friends or colleagues would be "ah.. you're still a baby". but try telling it to your 23 year old pet brother (slash previous scandal) and he'll say "how did you get old so quickly?". can't really blame him. when i was 23, 28 seemed like light years away. but hey, now i'm here. and how does it feel? really don't know. all i know is that thank god i've followed through with my decision to return back to kl this year instead of next year. it really does feel like time is running out. for what - i don't know exactly. hehehe. but all i know is that i'm glad that i'm going back. yeap - even with the current political situation (what is up with that, people? do we actually have a prime minister anymore back home? is that dude still alive?). and even when i don't quite have half a million in my bank account (thanks for raising the bar so high, crushio :P). i'm glad i'm going to do it soon. or else i'd be hyperventilating already.

as always, my birthday have been the day when i get reminded of how blessed i am to have the friends and family that i have. the people who have been around for so long and the people whom hopefully are here to stay. and there were some surprises too this year. the first person who wished me happy birthday at the stroke of midnight was actually someone whom i have been guilty of neglecting for so long. but the guy is ever so persistent. another surprise is that my siblings have started using facebook to wish me happy birthday! (gosh i should really be careful with my facebook). the biggest surprise had to be from this high school GUY friend whom i've never been very close with. he said something like "wishing you a very happy birthday. keep that great smile bla bla bla". scared me a little bit.. but i still aprreciate it. i think.

celebration back here, as expected, was low key. being ramadhan and all, there was only time for one slot for get together - iftar. so since my officemate-cum-longest-friend-in-this-country invited me for dinner with another friend about a week ago, i said yes (there is something quite symbolic about that isn't it?). so we had dinner. and there was a cake. that pretty much wraps up the celebration. some of my friends here don't quite remember my birthday. i do not take offense though. i don't quite remember theirs too :P

anyway, i promise myself that i am going to try and make 28 my best year yet! after almost 3 years slugging it out in this place, i'm finally going back home. the stage is now set. i'll be working in a place which i think i'm going to like, working for someone whom i've known for years and i'll get to finally do the things that i have been wanting to do. things like having my own place that i can do a major renovation on, taking vocal lessons (i'm serious!), doing charity work (who wants to join me?) and liposuction (ok i'm just kidding. err. half-kidding).

previously i was a little bit sad to realise that i'll be back a single guy. i thought that it would be nice to share this experience of starting my life back with someone special. i imagined doing things like shopping for furniture (pushing trolleys together in ikea) and decorating the place with that someone special. but then i realise that i already have some very special people in my life. my close friends. my siblings even. the ones whom i know will be around for a long time. these are the people whom i would want to share this experience with. not someone who could be special to me at that point of time but could be out of my life the very next year. so there's actually no better time for me to be single. and being single definitely gives me the freedom of main2 mata with cute guys when i'm in ikea. hehehe.

if a guy has waited to go to a buffet almost three years, why would he want to approach the buffet table with a plate that is already full, right? :P

IT HURTS - BUT I NEEDED IT

i think i can safely say that i'm finally moving on from the previous relationship. yerp. it does take THAT long. and it took one disturbing, disgusting revelation for me to move on. no, i'm not going to provide any details (mostly because i'm rather ashamed of myself for what has happened) but suffice to say that i'm convinced now that ending the relationship was the right thing to do.

i'm turning 28 in a week's time. and my life at 27 has taught me many of life's most important lessons. falling in love. having a relationship. ending a relationship. moving on from a relationship (in which i am a very lousy student). i also learned more about people and what they would do for money. i learned about trust and how not to give it too easily (can't believe i'm only learning about this at 27!! i must have been really priviliged to be surrounded by trustworthy people previously).

all in all, it has been an emotionally overwhelming year i have to say. a lot of tears (yeah i cry a lot). a lot of moments when you just wish that you can just stop your brain from thinking about something. but you feel so hopeless because you just can't. somehow, at times like these you realise how vulnerable you are. how if you are not strong enough, you will let something which happens to you ruin your life. it's up to you to build the courage to fight and move on with your life.

but hey, life is a journey of experiences isn't it. as long as we learn from our mistakes, we should be fine. but that, somehow, is easier said than done. all we can do is to hope for better future.

here's for a less heartbreaking 28!

THAT BITTER TASTE

i had the triple whammy last weekend. the cold-fever-cough thing. you know, the one that gives your mouth that awful bitter taste that lingers forever no matter what you eat?

ironically, that's how i feel about my life at the moment. the awful bitter taste still lingers, even after almost 2 months. and i'm still waiting for myself to recover. unfortunately, unlike some of my friends here, getting myself an LV bag won't do the trick (no offense guys.. i love you guys to bits! eheh). so right now.. im still trying to find the right medicine for it.

now when the HELL is my knight in shining armour (read: cute guy in sparkmanshop suit)coming to rescue me?! (see - i'm not even that choosy. takde armani suit pun takpe :P)

WHY IS IT THAT..

... i'm only getting friend request from girls on myspace these days?!!

seriously. it's not funny ok. how am i supposed to move on like this? with a girl?

eww.

WHAT I LIKE ABOUT D*BAI

im trying to make a decision whether to return to kl for good or not in the next few months. so before i make the decision, i thought that i could just list down what are the things that i like about my life here in dubai. i've been focusing on the things that i hate about being here that i may have overlooked the things that i like here which i would miss once im back home. so here goes:

1. the better pay - well this is pretty much why i've been holding it up here. so it does deserve to be at the the top of the list. and it has allowed me to do things that i enjoy like travelling and investing (eceh..). but apart from this, let's see if i can think about other things..

2. my friends here - although i don't have that many friends here.. but i do have a few friends whom i would definitely miss once i leave this country.

3. you can bitch about people in front of you with your malaysian friend and he / she won't have a clue. it's really fun!

4. as there is less good, cheap food around.. losing weight is considerably easier.

5. less pressure to get married - something that i only feel whenever i go back home. and working in dubai does provide me with a feasible explanation as to why i'm still single.

6. i will miss the good weather in winter (no there's no snow.. but the weather is niceeeee)

7. i will miss using the air-cond without worrying about the bill later.. hehehe (utilities are included in the rent)

8. the company that i'm working for is quite laid back. we have flexible working hours, i get to wear jeans and t-shirts to the office and my boss is actually quite nice. but i've realised that i'm the kind of person who needs to be pushed to perform. so this advantage is really backfiring on me.

9. they have pretty good sales over here.

10. hmm... ermmm ...lemme think ..

it looks like i'm having trouble coming up with even 10 things which i like or would miss about this place. and i can assure you that i can come up with 100 things which i don't like about the country in a jiffy. so i guess it's settled then eh? d*bai - 0, kuala lumpur -1.

with all the things that has been happening to me recently, it is quite difficult to have think objectively. as much as i try to, i just can't have full trust on myslef that i am thinking objectively. when you are emotionally hurt, nothing feels right. you tend to blame the environment you are in. you just want to get out of it. but after checking back my old entries, i can safely establish that my urge to go back is not from the recent happenings in my life. i had wanted to go back since FOREVER. and i do remember telling myself that i want to complete a year in this company before i go back. and as i feel now is the time that i show more love to myself (as i at this point of time i feel like i'm the only person who can do it fairly), i'm keeping that promise. i am nearing 28, and i need to experience the things that i want to experience. things that i can only experience back home. money, although is good to have, is not everything. and god-willing, opportunities will come by later for me to work overseas if i want to.

the time is now. i will make a call to that kl company tomorrow for a job opportunity. i hope that i will end my chapter in this country soon. wish me luck.

GOTTA GET THRU THIS

my sister has always had marital problems. she's been married for almost 15 years now to her high school boyfriend. i think she met him when she was in form 2. so basically they've been together for more than 25 years.

within their marriage of 15 years, they've had 3 children. but within the 15 years of marriage, the husband was without a job for at least 7 years out of that 15 years, leaving her to be the sole breadwinner of the family and to take care of her children. her husband quit a permanent job to try his hands in business. and since then, he has suffered one business failure after another. and he had physically abused her countless times.

everyone in my family (including myself) thinks that her husband is a useless bum and she should have left him years ago. and she actually tried a few times. but they are still married until now. i personally wasn't able understand it. it was crystal clear how she is on the losing side of the relationship. why would she continue to be in this kind of marriage?

but after the thing that has happened to me, i think i am now able to understand why she is still holding on to her marriage. because when emotions are involved, nothing is crystal clear.

basically, i am her in my previous relationship. the one at the losing end. the one who's suffering. everyone who knows me thinks that i should leave him. but as with other relationships, there are of course some good times. the times when you can really feel the love from the other party. and just like her, i've only had a relationship with one person in my life so far. so at this point in time, as much as i want to believe it, i am not sure that i will find someone who can give me the good times (despite the overwhelming and unbearable bad times that came with it). but unlike my sister, i'm trying to be a little more optimistic about the future.

i have ended the relationship.

at this point, i wish i could strongly say that it's the right thing to do. but i can't. there is still a lot of "what if's" that's lingering in my mind at the moment. but all i know is that if i decide to continue with him, i'd probably be the way i was in the last 4 months, which was lunacy. and i do not want that. so at this point of time, breaking up seems like a better option.

yes. i'm struggling. i am a perfectionist, i have an emotional maturity of an infant and i am a thinker. all these are making it so difficult for me to get past through this. but i know that i need to get through this. i owe this to myself, i owe this to my family and i owe it to my friends. heck i even owe this to my boss. it's time to get my life up and running again.

to my friends, thank you. thank you for putting up with my crap so far. thank you for your patience and thank you for all the advice. believe me, i know how annoying i have been to you guys in the past few months. and i am very very sorry. but i'm afraid i still need your help in getting through this phase. so do bear with me for a little bit more ok... (*smiles sheepishly*)

A LESSON I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE TO LEARN

there was one time when i felt so embarrassed and like a total failure that i wished that i could just vanish into thin air. i was in form 5 then. it was after the spm trials. that day, our maths teacher was passing out our maths paper result. i didn't expect to do so well for it (i was rather playful in form 5 and i had a lot of ..err issues). but i wasn't prepared for the results that i was going to receive. out of the 19 students in my class, i was the only one who did not get an A. and it was maths, not add maths. maths was supposed to be a piece of cake. and to add salt on the wound, i went to my english literature class after that, just to find that i got the lowest score in that class too.



at that point, i felt totally humiliated. a total failure. i sulked for days.. i couldn't even talk to my close friends because i was so humiliated. i thought about how good a student i was especially in primary school and how did i end up being the dumbest kid in class (although it was a very prestigious school).



so i wrote a letter to myself. it started off with "dear me," and it went on about me consoling myself.. telling that i understand how "i" was feeling, and how "i" should take this positively. and that i shouldn't get my spirits down. that it was just a minor setback. i still have the letter somewhere back home. it was 2 pages long, written in red ink. (the handwriting was fabulous, as always)



i pasted the letter in my locker and i would look at it everyday. yes, it's cliched but it really helped. it boosted my spirit slowly and it made me determined to do better. it felt like someone was supporting me. someone who understood how i was feeling at the time. and during the second trials, i got a 91. wasn't the highest - but among the top scores in the class. my maths teacher actually paused dramatically before my point was announced (yes he used to read the scores out loud). and the class clapped. i can't really remember my scores for my next english literature trial exam, but i know it was better too. (and fyi, i nailed both papers during the actual spm)



right now, i am feeling as miserable as i was during that particular day in 1997 when i received my maths and e-lit (that's what we used to call english literature) results. a total failure. and i really need that letter that i wrote 11 years ago to myself.



as many of you may know, i've been involved with a guy for the last few months. i have always wanted to be in a relationship, and after almost 3 years of looking, i believed i found the one. it's true what they say - opposites attract. it was really the case for me. he was a third grade spm holder who does not even know who his real parents are. his life, to me, was all about survival. but he was so sweet and he was so honest that it made me fall for him (one thing about me is that i am easily touched by other people's misfortunes). and i have to admit, to me he is quite a looker. given all those combinations, it was hard for me not to resist him. the weird thing is that one of the main reasons (apart from his looks) why i want to be with him is so that i can provide him with the love and guidance that i felt was missing in his life. i wanted to help him to further his studies, get better jobs, start praying again (he told me that it had been years since he last prayed). i swear to god, it's true.



after chatting online and spending hours on the phone (which costed me thousands of dollars) for about 2 months, i finally got the chance to see him. we met for 3 days and it was among the happiest days of my life. at the end of the 3rd day before i returned to d*bai, i proposed. he accepted. i was a happy man. very happy man. when i touched down, i saw 21 missed calls from him. i told him that i would arrive at 9pm and he thought it was 9 pm msian time (it was 9pm d*bai time, which means 1 am msian time). that's why he had been calling me endlessly. when i called him back, he sounded so worried and relieved at the same time. i really felt the love at the time. i had no doubt about his feelings for me.



unfortunately, everything started to go downhill from then on. 5 months into the relationship, and i've only seen him for a total of 8 days. the last time i met him was on the 9th of february. this long distance thing was already a big challenge to overcome. to make things worse, he chose to quit his job in march after he had an argument with his supervisor at work. he has been stuggling to find a good job since then and has been borrowing money from me to survive.



for the longest time, i believed EVERYTHING that he said. actually, that's what's terribly wrong about me. i trust people f*cking so easily. it's so easy to earn my trust. just tell me something that you should be embarrassed about and i would just stamp the word "HONEST" right across your forehead. no questions asked after that. he did this way before i met him by telling all his flaws (he drinks, he uses ecstacy, he doesn't pray). so he got his stamp right away.



so being the best boyfriend in the world, i went on to help him with whatever i can, given my position a few thousand miles away from him. i did his resume, i sms-ed him job vacancies i found on the internet, i gave him money, i topped up his mobile phone credit. i was worried about him the whole time. i was already making flight reservations to bring him here with me, because i was so worried for him.



it was only at the end of march that i first realised that he lied to me about something. i was heartbroken. i confronted him but he denied it. i decided to break up with him. but it only lasted a week. i was weak. i was so madly in love with him that i tried to justify why he was lying to me. "when he lied to me about that, we weren't even a couple yet" i said to myself. so i believed that he wouldn't have lied to me if we were a couple. so in the end, i decided to continue the relationship. "but no more lies" i said. he promised that he won't do it again. so we continued on, having a relationship based on sms-es and the occasional phone call. i've had at least 3 nights without sleep because he failed to sms me on those particular days (yeah i'm crazy). he continued on with his inconsistencies in contacting me, and he would continue to ask to borrow some money once in a while. i was starting to realise what could be the real reason why he is in this relationship with me.



then earlier this month, i discovered another lie that he told me. but even until now he doesn't know that i know about it. i thought that it was hopeless to confront him now so i chose to remain quiet. and i decided that i was not going to let him borrow from me anymore. so when he asked 2 weeks ago, i actually said no. it was very difficult for me to say no because i know that he needed it. and a few hundred bucks means a lot more to him that it does to me. i was afraid that he would stop contacting me if i refused. but i did it anyway.



the good news is that he did not totally stop contacting me, but the communication is considerably less. but the bad thing was, i started hearing things about him which i wished i didn't need to. he has not been faithful. yeah, many of you guys would have expected it. even my friends said thought so. but i didn't. because hey, i have been faithful all this time. i had not even responded to messages in myspace after he became my boyfriend. i guess i would be a tough act to follow, huh? but it doesn't matter. the fact was he lied to me.



now, i'm at the point that i don't even know which part of this relationship was he being honest to me. it's sad to think that it's possible that he was never honest in his feelings towards me. while i, on the other hand, gave him NOTHING but my true feelings for him. and it's even more sad because that this is my first relationship. people say that your first relationship is always something that you'll remember and cherish for life. well, my first relationship could very well be with a golddigger and a compulsive liar.



at this point of time, we are technically still together (although i don't really know what that means to him). he doesn't know that i know about all his nasty secrets. and i really don't know what to do. i am only going back in a month's time. somehow, i don't want to break up with him now. i have thought of revenge. but i don't know if i could pull it off. and i've thought about closure. and i've thought about (i know many people would want to hit my head with a hard object when i say this), him another chance if he confesses to all those things. because really, part of me wants to help him get a better life. because the life that he leads right now will not bring him anywhere (although it almost brought him to d*bai.. thank god). really, i just don't know what to do. and to think that i need to wait another month before i can settle this - it's driving me crazy.



what saddens me most is that i feel like the things which i think were my good values were the things that has caused all this heartache. my honesty has lead me to believe that other people should be honest too. my faithfulness has lead me to believe that everyone else should be faithful too. and my "cepat kesian" nature has resulted me in being fooled over and over again blindly. and to have all this happen to you in your first relationship (after searching for 2 years), is just TOO PAINFUL. i really bring the term "unlucy in love" to a whole new level don't i?



apart from not knowing what to do with him, i am now faced with a big dilemma. what do i do now? how do i go on after this? do i start being skeptical with everything everyone says? how do i know what to trust and what not to trust? i don't think i can live with all the skepticism. i used to believe in the 'buat baik dibalas baik' crap. and i use to hate it when my mom expresses her unwillingness to trust. but it seems like what i believe in has really backfired on me. now i've lost my trust in people. i've lost the innocent view that i once had. i can never see things the same way again. it's just like losing your virginity, you can never get it back (but i wouldn't know how that feels yet actually. eheh)



at least one thing i learned from this whole thing is that i am capable of loving someone. actually, that's an understatement. i can REALLY REALLY love someone. i had my doubts earlier, but now i know that i make a terrific boyfriend. really, anyone is lucky to have me (as long as they don't mind the slight love handles). because now i've learned that honesty and fidelity are not things that many people have. add those qualities with good heart, financial stability, intelligence, amazing voice and dashing good looks (kasik can la.. im heartbroken ni) - i really am a catch, aren't i?

well this 'catch' - is currently wounded.

LIVE FROM THE KUWAIT INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT

oh yeah, i'm kinda in kuwait right now. i've been here for the last for days and right now i'm just waiting for my flight at the airport. i'm here on a job. a business trip, you might say. gosh.. i really need to get used to be sent to places for work. it's cool, i know. but i feel scared and .. old. like i'm 40 or something. very adult. and it is quite pressurising when you are sent to go to a foreign country alone. and the job at hand is totally depending on you. but i think i did a reasonably good job this time. there was no internet connection in the kuwait office that i was visiting so i had nothing to do but work. and when i work, i REALLY work. so, yeah i guess i did alright in this particular assignment.

now let me share with you a thing or two about this country. first of all, it's mighty rich. it's really really tiny but it's super duper rich. that's pretty much why they were attacked by iraq back in 1991. and second of all, it's super duper expensive. this is mostly because kuwait, unlike d*bai or qatar or bahrain or oman has decided to de-peg it's currency from the usd. and because of this, their currency has appreciated about 30% compared to the rest of gulf countries in the last year or two. although prices remain the same (for example, it cost 0.6 kuwaiti dinner to buy a large apple juice in kuwait or 0.6 omani riyal in oman) but since their value of the kuwaiti dirhams appreciated, that actually translates to about 0.8 omani riyal). so everything becomes automatically more expensive as most companies who operate within the gulf uses the same price structure. get it? no? ok, let's try this way - a fridge magnet here cost RM 17. yeah, it's bloody expensive here (btw, for those of you who have been getting fridge magnets from me from my previous trips- i'm sorry. not this time)

my flight today is at 10.25 pm. i had to check out at 3 pm. since i was homeless for about 7 hours, i decided to go to one of the malls. and since everything was so expensive at the mall, i've decided to catch a movie (which was still expensive, btw. 3 dinars. i think around rm30). only 1 show suited my timing - ironman. usually, i wouldn't watch these kind of movies (superhero movie, not-so-goodlooking hero). but since i wanted to save myself from boredom (or buying something ridiculously overpriced that i might regret later), i decided to watch it. and as expected, i didn't really enjoy it. as always, the hero went against all odds and was triumphant in the end. and always, they had nincompoops as the villains. muslim villains some more. gosh i just wish that these rich arab countries can just pool some money together and make a movie where the villains are stupid american people and the hero is... that guy he sits in 3 desks away from me in the office. nyum. (he's lebanese btw so it's ok). hehe.

oh btw - some interesting facts about the cinema in kuwait. they still have seats segregated according to gender. cool eh? and.. during the commercials before the movie started, they were actually political campaigns as adverts (they are having their election soon). but since candidates here do not have parties, so it's actually a personal campaign. like "vote for abu obeid bin abdulla". hehe. quite funny, really. reminds me of rtm.

don't really have much things to tell about kuwait. as usual, i am in my best behaviour whenever i am in a foreign country. so i don't have any interesting stories to tell you guys (fine. go ahead and type another address in the address box. see if i care. :P) anyway, my general impression about kuwait that it is better than dubai (in fact, i feel that all the places i've visited is better than dubai. if that's not hatred, i don't know what is). you can a lot of development in kuwait just like dubai, but it's just the right amount. it doesn't get too overwhelming. and it doesn't get too crowded or too hectic up to the point you are feeling suicidal. you can still drive on the main streets of kuwait without being stuck in the jam. and you can still ask people for directions on the streets and ask people to take photos for you (heheh camera whore kan?) and they will entertain you quite pleasantly. i'm very doubtful if you can get the same type of response if you are in d*bai.

they were still traces of war around they city. even in kuwaiti towers (kuwait's most famous landmark), they put up photos showing the destruction that the iraqi forces brought to the city. quite grim actually. can't really imagine that it happened just 17 years ago. looks like they have recovered well (well, the tons of money that they have sure helped).

so anyway, that's pretty much all about kuwait. my flight is in 1 hour an im gonna go to my gate now. as always, for photos, please check my facebook. daaaa....

SICK, AND THOU SHALT FIND

i had a good day today. i called in sick. it was just a teeny tiny headache that i had this morning. but since my company doesn't require me to produce an mc for sick leaves that are less than 3 days (isn't that great?), who's gotta know how big was the headache right? a headache was still a headache. so i sent my boss' secretary an sms. and voila - free holiday (the headache disappeared an hour after i sent the sms btw. miraculous!)

i have not been in the best of moods lately (actually when was i ever? hehe). i've been doing a lot of waiting and it's been very exhausting. waiting for all sorts of things (can't really tell you guys.. SOME of you might take advantage of me later :P). and waiting makes me grumpy - patience is definitely not one of my best virtues. but today was quite a happy day. i don't know - maybe the fact that i managed to escape work made me happy. or the fact that i just gave myself a 3-day weekend (tomorrow is already a weekend here). but my mood was definitely better.

i cooked (haven't done this for a while), i cleaned (haven't done this in a while too..hehehe), i sang (louder than usual, since i figured all the neighbours were at work) and i spent my afternoon crying.

yes, crying. all because this guy lent me his oprah 20th anniversary collection dvd. over 17 hours of oprah's most memorable moments in a 6-disc collection katanya. watched the 1st cd and i was crying already. all because of HER. SHE made me feel so small. and selfish. and ungrateful. segala2nya lah. that's why i cried. i guess it was partly because of her story, but the other part was because i felt embarrassed with myself. currently, i've been so miserable thinking about a choice that i have to make at the moment in which each option presents it's own pro's and con's. but when i compare my problem with her problem, i don't have nothing. really. my problem is so miniscule next to hers (well.. except for the plu thing which is quite a big burden as most of you guys would agree). but she is probably more positive and optimistic about her life than me about mine. that really makes me feel like a spoiled brat of some sort. and i don't like it one bit.

and thus, i've decided to clean up my act a little bit. i need to keep reminding myself about how grateful i should be with my life. i need to stop being a brat. in fact, the next time i complain in my blog, someone just kick my ass ok?

oh, and to jacqueline sabadiro, thank you for this reality check.