Thursday, January 31, 2008


yes ladies and gentlemen, today marks another milestone in my life. today marks my second year anniversary working in this country.

*kembang kempis idung*

seriously, there had been times when i didn't think i could make it this year. i remember when my family was sending me off to d*bai the first time, my brother (who had worked overseas for a few years in a few different countries) said to me "jangan balik awal sangat. at least stay sana 2 tahun."

at that point of time, 2 years felt like an impossibility. and for the first few months i was here, it really was. but i guess i slowly learned to adapt to the hardship. and life did get better in some aspects. i started making new friends. changed to a better job.

d*bai has actually made me a better person in some ways. i've picked up cooking skills here. i am healthier than i ever was. i do think that i look better now. but i also resent the fact that i am becoming a worse person in some ways too. religious-wise. work ethics-wise and work quality-wise. and deep down, i'm really worried.

but in totality, i have to say that i'm quite proud for making it 2 years here. god knows what i've gone through in the last 2 years but i'm still alive of kicking! that, my friend, is perseverance. and perseverance needs to be rewarded. and how am i rewarding myself?

by flying malaysia airlines tonite. flight mh 161.



gosh. so many things to write about. so many things to do.

i'm currently in my office. watching/listening to the live streaming of ajl. since jinb*ra is performing right now, i thought i'd write something. seriously - f*rhana gadis what? haiyoo. i rest my case.

life has been so busy the past few weeks. except for my job. and thank god for that. and there's a reason why things have been so hectic:

i'm going back this thursday (today)! :D

you guys may know what's the ultimate reason for me going back. yes - it's him. but i'm trying to find as many other reasons as possible to why i'm going back. just to make me feel less guilty. because taking an 8-hour flight just to see my partner sounds like i'm paris hilton (although miss hilton would be taking a private jet whereas i'll be stuck with cramped legs in economy). so i managed to find the perfect time tp go back which would provide me with strong enough reasons that would satisfy my conscience (and reasons that couls justify me going back to my family and friends)- it's my high school reunion.

understandably, life is a little bit chaotic with me at the moment. since like everyone else i'm struggling to lose like a gazillion kilos before the reunion. but unlike other people (who are exaggerating), i REALLY need to lose a gazillion kilos. so i've been going to the gym every spare time that i can. but i'm not seeing the results. i only have 5 days left. emm how long does it take to recover from a liposuction surgery?

apart from the pressure to look my best, i've also decided to add to the stress level by agreeing to participate in the idol competition during the reunion. ha.. gila kan? i really didnt know why i volunteered.. but i just thought that if im gonna fly a few thousand miles just for the reunion, i better make my presence felt. eheh. and plus, you guys know how much i enjoy singing. so apart from the pressure to lose weight, now i have the pressure of training my vocal chords, selecting a song AND finding an outfit. serves me right. wish me luck in this one ok?

i really don't know what's going to happen at the reunion. will i be bombarded with questions of "bila nak kawin?" or "how long do you plan to stay there?" or "ada keje kosong untuk i tak?" (well i can bet you i'm gonna get a load of the third question). a friend who is a member of the reunion committee sent me an email a week ago, asking me to speak at a "career talk" session with the current student (LUCKILY, i am not going to be able to make it since i'm arriving late on that day). anyway, he did say that he can't wait to see me because he said "(another friend) ckp ko dah hebat sekarang". aiyoh. expectation expectation.

oh yes, apart from the reunion, i also have a good friend's wedding to attend. and get this, she doesn't even know that i'm going to be at her wedding! (not because she didn't invite me, but i told her that i wont be going back to kl until may). nice surprise eh? god i'm such a good friend kan? kan? kan? hehehe..

but ultimately, i'm back because of him. i have not been doing very well being away from him. i have had some crazy moments (more than i expected). so i really need to see him again soon. and i need to talk to him. BOTH of us need to talk and see what we need to do to make things work. this is very important because after this trip, i will only return to kl again in june. that's like 4 months away! i could barely survive the past one month, let alone 4 months. but at this point, i'm still determined to make this work. i just hope that he is as determined as i am...

Friday, January 11, 2008


seems like this catch phrase is a favourite among advertisers in this country. i guess in a place where the average disposable income is higher than many other countries, marketing ads such as this would be more effective here. all you need to do is give these people the slightest rational reason to spend. and spend they will. you don't need to give them discounts. just a reason. it's so different from back home where price is the main factor to push consumer activities in the country (wah.. very academia ayat ni ek? but it may not even be true. eheh)

let me tell you how i was greeted this new year. a couple of days before the new year, i received a notification that says the daily newspaper would increase it's price from AED 2 to AED 3. (from RM 1.80 to RM 2.70). i don't usually buy local newspapers so it was ok. but i was amazed at how they can increase something by 50% overnight. and since the price of newspaper (and many other things) is not government-controlled, this is possible.

then the day after the new year, i had another surprise. the office cafeteria (where i religiouly take my lunches everyday) has introduced a new price list. a lunch set which used to cost AED 15 is now AED 18. A measly-looking chocolate eclairs is now AED 7 - it used to be AED 4. Mineral water is now priced as AED 2 instead of 1.

and on the 3rd of january, the Malaysian Ringgit was at a 10-year high against the US Dollar / AED.

so that's pretty much how 2008 has greeted me. by stronger signs of inflation and the further weakening of the local currency. i am new me. a new, more-depressed me. eheh.

ok enough about the depressing local economy. as the new year approaches (ok la, i know the new year is like 11 days ago. i was busy ok?), the time comes for me to reflect what has happened in the previous year and express my aspirations for the coming year (eceh). some people don't give a crap for new year, but i do. i do believe that i need some objective for the new year just to provide myself with a sense of direction. in 2006 last year, my main resolution was to stay in this country for another year. alhamdulillah it's 11 january 2008 and i'm still here. this year, i've decided not to give myself a target about how long i should stay here. there are so many variables that may affect the decision whether to stay or not to stay. so i'm just going to see how things go. but i do have a few things which i wish to accomplish this year.

1. take my professional examination
i'm a firm believer that paper qualification means squat. experience counts. unfortunately, i can't hire myself (i would definitely hire myself if i could though. eheh). and i think i have to finally succumb to the pressure of the outside world and take up my professional exam. urghh.

2. not to be too near the limit of a healthy bmi
alhtough i have finally fell within the range of a healthy bmi, i really wish that i could push it further within the healthy range. (anyway, you guys don't want to know which range i was in 3 years ago. eheh). by the way, i've joined FF. so make way the new mucle mary in town. hahaha.

3. to blog more
yeah. i'm determined to write more. so that you guys can read more crap from me. how's a 5-entry-per-month minimum sound?

4. to finally .....

oops. number 4 tu censored sket. but for those who know me, no prize for guessing it correctly. eheh..

Friday, January 04, 2008


i've actually written an entry on how my trip back to malaysia was. on what happened when i met him. but after finished writing it, i realised that the entry was a little bit too personal. so i've decided to keep that one just for my own reading later. suffice to say that it was among the best days that i had for a very very long time.

oh, and i'm no longer single. finally. eheh.

when i told my friend rick about this (who btw is a full-time critic of this blog), he said "finally! so i guess we can expect less negative entries from you after this right?"

err.. not really rick.

ten days into my relationship, and i feel like a wreck. to all you guys out there, i have one advice. if you are entering a relationship for the first time, do yourself a favour and get a normal one. none of this long-distance crap. because seriously, it's hard.

in my previous entry, i wrote about how i couldn't wait to see him. in my mind, all the unsettling feeling that i had would go away once i see him. it's either i would like him, or i wouldn't like him. it turned out that i LOVE him. and i had to leave him again two days after finding out that i love him. and admittedly, the (very sucky) circumstances that i am faced with is not helping me to get this unsettling feeling away. if before i was feeling unsettled, now i think i'm going crazy.
a few days back, he accidentally left his handphone at home for the whole day. i went berserk the whole day. i thought he has lost interest in me and was ready to dump me. when he finally called me, i was so relieved. but it was also then that i realised how insecured i feel in this relationship.

i am not worried about the presence of a third person. i trust him on that. what i am worried about is if this is a litle bit too much for him. because frankly it is a little bit too much for even ME to handle at the moment. me - the reason for this whole long distance arrangement thing. and me - someone who has always tortured myself and deprive myself of things for reasons only known to myself (most of the times, that is. sometimes i don't even know why i do such things). what about him? i can say for sure that he is a much less complicated person that i am. will he be able to take it?

which is why i've been analyzing all his actions. how fast is he responding to my sms-es, the things that he write in his sms-es - everything. from how long the messages are to how many times did he call me sayang. and whether he wrote it as 'sayang' or 'syg' or 'yang' or worse, just 'yg'. because i need to make sure that his interest in me has not diminished. but me being (stupid old) me, i feel the need to question everything. like why did he sms me when he woke up yesterday but not today?

obviously, i have some expectations of his commitment in this relationship. i am willing to devote a whole lot to make this work and i feel like he should be willing to do the same. unfortunately, he has fell short below my expectation level a few times. what i see currently is an inconsistent level of initiative from his part. and this is really confusing me. maybe we both deal with the situation differently. i need to hear from him as much as possible to make up for the distance. maybe that's not the way he deals with it. maybe it's enough for him to know that i love him and he will deal with his 'kerinduan' on his own. which is why he doesn't feel the need to contact me so much. OR maybe he loves me less than i love him. which i think is constantly my greatest fear at the moment.

i'm exhausted. i need help, people.