WICKEDLY BEAUTIFUL

as hard as it is to look like me back in malaysia, it's even harder to look like me when i'm in d*bai. being here really damages my self-esteem and my self-confidence (when it comes to looks). why so? allow me to paint a better picture of the people here:

1. many of the local guys here are yummy looking (contrary to my initial impression of them) and many of them would wear these if-you-wear-it-in-malaysia-it-definitely-means-you-are-a-plu shirts that make them even yummier (strangely enough, contrary to their stereotyped association with laziness, most of them look like they spend some considerable hours in the gym)

2. some of the trolley pushers at carrefour and office cleaners and pizza delivery boys can pass off as movie stars back in malaysia (or at least a pan-asian tv host on astro). actually, it got me thinking - if they only knew how sellable their looks are in malaysia, they should just quit their low-paying job and become a talent for ads or commercials in malaysia. ok, so maybe they don't have the upbringing to pull that off. but i can help them with that - no problem. they can stay with me and i'll train them (i am even willing to do more than that actually... ;P)

3. the guys who work in zara look like models who just got off from the runaway in their suits.

4. the (female) perfume promoters in the shopping malls look as good (if not better) as the model in the perfume ad.

5. if you watch the local entertainment shows on tv, you'd notice that most of the audience look as good as the singers on stage. even the back-up dancers look as good as the singer himself/ herself (this is sooo different from how things are in malaysia)

everytime i look these pretty creatures, i would say to myself, "at least i have the brain". but it's just a defence mechanism. cos if i really have THE brain, it shouldn't even be thinking about something this shallow, right? or should i?

i live in a land where 'supermodels' bump trolleys with me at carrefour ( i keep mentioning carrefour cause it's the only hypermarket around. and that's where i always do my grocery shopping). and naturally, because i don't look like one, i'm always careful when i push my trolley... eheh

MY INTERNET AFFAIRS

'you've got mail' is showing on the telly as i'm writing this. watching the movie reminds me of the days when i was first got acquainted to the modern day miracle that is the internet. it was 1997. having just sat for my spm, i was enjoying my 4-month break before i continued with my studies. all i could remember from that 4-month period was me using the internet. staying up chatting on ICQ, surfing (questionable) websites, being scolded by my mom for using the internet during daytime (we only had 1 telephone line but we have like 3 phones at home. so sometimes she'd pick up the phone and she'd hear the irritating buzzing sound and that's when i'd be dead) and being reprimanded by my dad for the sky-rocketing phone/ internet bills.

still, a lot good things came up from my internet affairs. for one, i got myself a religious-but-quite-cool pet-sister and we are still in touch even until now. it has been 9 years (wow). we meet 3 times. she got married last february (a few days after i left for dubai) and she is now pregnant. i also had an american internet friend for a while. i was a big fan of this r&b group called swv (if u listen to mix fm they still play their song once in a while). so i visited their website and dropped some comments in the guestbook. a few days after that, i received an email from this guy (who is even a bigger fan of swv). i still remember his name. it was alan watkins. and we used to e-mail each other everyday. i'd be checking for his email 2-3 times a day. it's not because i had a thing for him (he's a str8 african-american - nothing wrong with that, but i just like my men on the 'brighter' side), but it was very exciting to have a foreign friend. we sent each other parcels - he sent me photos that he took with swv, postcards of atlanta (where he lives) and some other souvenirs. he also got me swv's christmas cd (i used to play it during christmas ... heheh). he also sent me a videotape of his favourite tv show (some then-new series of frineds and an african-american sitcom). i, in return, sent him postcards of malaysia and a kru cd (they had an english cd back in 1998/1999 - and i think i don't have any other choice. i wanted to send a maria mariana vcd but i was afraid that he would stop talking to me after that.. eheh). we continued sending each other emails for about 2 years until we had an argument. it was dumb argument. he sent me a photo of his project (he was a design student) and asked me how i thought about it. it looked a bit childish - so that's what i told him (half-jokingly at least). but he took it rather badly and was infuriated. he said some nasty things (i think). so i stopped writing to him. after a few months, he wrote to me to apologised. but i did not reply to his email - until now. every once in a while, i thought of sending him an email (wishing that he hadn't changed his email yet) but everytime, i failed to realise the plan. it's quite sad. i really regret not replying to him when he wrote to me to apologise. sigh..

the internet had again significantly affected my life in 2005. that's when i came out from the closet (or actually ... maybe just open its doors to take a peek). that's when i was introduced to myspace, started discovering plu blogs, started my OWN blog. and i have met some very nice (and sometimes cute) cyberfriends along the way. i finally have friends that i can share my darkest secrets with. and i was able to express my 'real' attraction. i was dying to have a relationship that was based on mutual attraction and i finally got a taste of it. it was exciting. it was liberating. but it was short-lived. because now i'm here.

why did i chose to come here in the first place again?

PERTURBED

my parents and my brother were in town last week for a visit. it was good. it was the least stressful week that i have spent in the company of my mom in a long time. maybe it was because she was nicer to me. maybe it's because my elder brother was not around to receive better treatment from her. maybe, i, after staying only two months in a foreign country, has grown more matured. or maybe i was just too preoccupied with work to even bother. but nonetheless, (nonetheless?!!), i was very glad that they came. at least there is someone that i can talk to about my experiences here (my dad), someone to iron my clothes properly and cook the food that i love (my mom... eheh) and someone to .... (emm...i don't quite know whether my younger brother's presence affected me in any way).

i have always enjoyed talking to my dad. he understands me. looking back, i realised how much he has influenced me. how much he has rubbed off on me. since as long as i can remember, he maintains a diary (provided by his company) where he would record all his daily expenses (having 7 children requires you to be smart with your finances). i've been doing the same thing since i was 14. i've also learned how to always think about the ones who are less fortunate than us before we start pitying ourselves. i've become the soft-spoken (although at times extremely sarcastic) person that i am because he is one too. even genetically, we have similarities. we are both lefthanders. we both have in-grown toenail problem (the same toenail even!). if there is something that hasn't pretty much rubbed off on me, it would be his religiousness. well.. i hope i'll get there someday eventually.

actually, i'm a bit worried. i'm worried because my dad's getting old. he's going to be 67 this year. and he doesn't seem to be that energetic anymore.

i'm worried AND afraid. i'm afraid if something happens, i won't be able to get there in time. suddenly working so far away from home seems like an utterly bad idea (actually i never thought that it was a good idea in the first place.. but it was my dad who wanted me to go..)

while sending off my family at the airport last weekend, i bumped into a fellow malaysian. we got to talking. he told me that he, together with his 9 staff were in dubai for an exhibition (they're from a gov't agency). they were supposed to go back in 2 days' time, but the morning earlier one of his staff got a call from home. her dad had passed away. so he was sending her off back to KL. i managed to catch a glimpse of the girl. her eyes were swollen from crying.

please god, don't let that happen to me.

BROKEN-BACKED MOUNTAIN

well, at least that's how they say what the name should be grammartically. anyway, in the land of no myspace, no pic-link and heavy internet surveillance, i thought that i would have to wait till the end of the year before i can catch a glimpse of jake gyllenhaal's backside (heheh). but luck came knocking on my apartment door the other day (in the form of a dvd seller from mainland china. oh btw, this is how the sell fake dvd's here - door-to-door. 10 bucks a piece. not bad eh?). and the timing couldn't have been more perfect. i was alone at home at the moment (which means that i don't have to offer any explanation for buying the g*y movie of the decade). so i bought it.

i spent that night watching the movie on my recently-purchased laptop. alone in my room, with the lights off (and my headphones on)- full of anticipation and excitement. my verdict:

i really want to say that it's a great movie, but i really feel that if what the movie wants to show is how difficult g*y relationship could be - they could do much better than that (yes, i know it's based on a short story - so you can't do much there). but seriously, at least those two guys still look like they had fun when they were shagging the missus. if they want to show suffering that g*y men go through, they should really make a movie about a 20-something virgin plu with a weight problem who has never had a relationship (sounds familiar? you bet!). now that's suffering!

but of course, being a landmark plu movie, the movie has affected me in a way that no other movies had. i was able to relate to the main character (although i'm not a hot-looking cowboy). there were moments that really touched me, like when jake said to heath "you know.. sometimes i miss you so much, i could hardly stand it". touching, eh?

and i did learn something from the movie too. i learned that there are worse jobs out there than being an auditor... (like transporting a gazillion sheeps from one place to another). hehehe.