THIS WEIRD FEELING

i remember feeling nauseated when i hear willie nelson's 'you are always on my mind'. the chorus is just mindless repetition of the song title. the songwriter must be a genius (rolling eyes)

but today, i am SORELY missing a certain someone... and i don't think that song is irritating at all. in fact, it's BEFITTING to my current mood (gasp!).

what is up? i don't know...

REFLECTIONS

i know that this is so NOT original, but i too would like to document (in a nutshell) how the year 2005 has been for me. for the longest time, my new year resolution had been to lose weight. and it was no different for 2005. this is what i wrote in my organiser on 31st December 2004:

(the items below were written in my usual oh-so-fabulous-handwriting.. heheh. tgkla, once i'm savvy enough, it'll take a snap shot of what i wrote and post the photo here... sizz... a little help here ;P)

Resolution 2005

1. not to make any regretful purchases in 2005 (this was on top of my list because back in Sep 2004 i actually signed up for a facial package at Men's Skin Centre : RM 699 for 5 sessions. suffered from temporary insanity when i signed up for the package - was hypnotised by the evil, commission-hungry beauticians)
2. to take better care of health
3. to be a better muslim
4. to take part in at least 1 singing competition
5. to be xx kg by the end of the year (actual value is kept confidential to save face..hehe)

this was my life before i entered 2005. i never paid any attention to my emotional needs (due to its abnormality). therefore i had no resolution to address that part of me. there was no 'find a girlfriend' or 'get engaged' (i don't know whether str8 ppl put this as their resolution.. but i don't). but i think it is safe for me to say that 2005 has changed that.

anyway, let's see how many of those resolutions were accomplished:

1. ACCOMPLISHED - after the Men's Skin Centre incident, i have been very careful with my purchases. and although i have made a few purchases of large items this year (digicam, refrigerator, microwave oven) i'm happy to say that i am contented with my purchases.
2. LARGELY ACCOMPLISHED - physically, i am definitely healthier this year. have been going to the gym somewhat regularly, have been eating better. even emotionally i feel that there has been a marked improvement. last year i was still working in an accounting firm (and for those not in the know - accounting firms treat their staff like slaves). i guess i wasn't really happy there but i didn't realise that ppl around me were aware of it until my ex-housemate said this to me when he saw me again 2 months ago "u look a lot happier now. dulu masa ko kerja kat tempat lama bila ko balik rumah pun aku takut nak tegur.. muka masam je". yes, that's a testament of how much happier i am now ;)
3. err.. no comment
4. ACCOMPLISHED - i took part in my current company's 'Idol' competition this year. got through the semi-final (although i felt like i should have made it to the finals - to sing anuar zain's mungkin on-key is no small feat okeh?)
5. SOMEWHAT ACCOMPLISHED - although i have not met the targeted desired weight, i'm proud to say that i'm more than halfway there. i now weigh 16% less than what i used to weigh earlier this year :)

OVERALL VERDICT: not so bad, eh? ok la except for item no. 3 which is a little bit too personal to be discussed here.

OTHER 'ACHIEVEMENTS' OF 2005 (bear with me ok... nak bangga diri sikit)
- received 4 job offers this year (taken up 2 so far... and in the process of taking up the other 1)
- being offered a five-figure-income job (Dubai la mana lagi)
- had one of the directors of my company (a mat salleh guy) compliment me on a report which i prepared for my boss (bangga siut.. mcm nak frame je email tu)
- passed the unit trust agent exam in a record time of 21 minutes (time given was one hour... a few other candidates ternganga when i left the exam hall.. hehehe)
- became a landlord at the age of 25
- live on my own and still keep my sanity in tact (well for most of the time at least)
- learned how to use a digicam and upload photos to my laptop (kesian kan?)
- learned how to use pivot table and vlookup instructions in microsoft excel
- bought a new car
- still keep my virginity (wouldn't have made it to my list of achievements if it was last year.. but this year, it definitely deserves a mention here)
- started this BLOG!!!

THINGS WHICH I AM NOT SO PROUD OF WHICH HAPPENED IN 2005
- puasa enam tak habis
- i still drive bare-footed
- even after 7 months of staying in my new apartment, i still have yet to tegur my next door neighbours
- have yet to sell a single unit trust to anyone (not even to myself)
- was forced to join amway by an ex-colleague (and agreed to attend a few meeting sessions before i actually said no)
- i sometimes spend a day in the office doing nothing but surfing myspace, chatting on ym and writing my blog (today is one of those days.. heheh)
- only read two fictions this year - Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code and Paulo Coelho's the Alchemist (should start reading more often)

THINGS WHICH-DO-NOT-FALL-IN-EITHER-CATEGORY-BUT-I-STILL-WISH-TO-MENTION WHICH HAPPENED IN 2005
- embraced my PLU-ness (to some extent)
- been kissed by a (few) guy(s)
- fooled around in the cinema (NOW i know why couples go to cinemas)
- started wearing contact lenses (and wear shades - it's true, shades ARE cool.. hehe)
- had a major fight with my brother AND sister (because they can be major assholes at times)
- had a minor accident (not my fault)
- had my phone bill reach RM500 for a particular month (last month to be exact)

and that, ladies and gentlemen is my 2005 in a nutshell. i will always remember the year that i turned 25. it is UNFORGETTABLE to say the least (well actually, i will have this blog to somehow help me remember in case i forget). what's in store in 2006? who knows. but if i am actually going to dubai, i think it'll be unforgettable and full of experience too. good or bad - tak tau la.

with all the things that's happening at the moment ... i have not had time to stop and think about my resolutions for next year. well at least i have item (3) and item (5) of this year's resolution to start with...

HAPPY 2006, everyone! alamak -2006? i'll be 26. that sounds so old! NOOOO!!!!! heheh

UNWANTED ATTENTION

going to dubai has somehow been a little bit pressurising (there is such a word, right?) for me, especially in the non-plu relationship department. i mean, previously i have had friends who were interested to know about my 'status', but these are close friends of mine. but since the news broke out that i'm going off to dubai, i have had other people who have been asking me about it. they include my boss, my boss' secretary, my colleagues in the office, my mom, my sisters and even my younger brother(?!!). i never imagined that i have to lie to THEM about this. i think the people in the office are curious to know whether there is something that can hold me from going because believe it or not they really want me to stay. but when i say that there is no one special at the moment, they'd try to comfort me by saying things like "it's ok ... don't worry.. you'll find someone. who knows, maybe you'll find your future wife in dubai.." and i would just sengih-sengih and mumbled a half-hearted "maybe". yeah that's right - finding an arab wife is definitely on top of my to-do-while-i'm-in-dubai list.

then comes my family. my mom never really cared whether i was with anyone because she is busy finding a candidate for my brother a.k.a mummy's favourite (33 year old, straight and unmarried). not that i was complaining. but the other day, she popped the question. "dah ada girlfriend ke?" "isk, girlfriend ramai.." (the number of girls who used to call me up through my house phone would validate this i'm sure) "pilihla sorang bawak gi dubai.." again - ended the conversation with the sengih2 and mumbling2 ritual.

the same question was thrown by my 2 sisters. and not wanting to be seen as "tak laku" and "undesirable to women" i had to cook something up (which doesn't really matter - unless i tell them that i'm a plu, it would always be a lie). i don't know why but i blurted something like "i'm actually quite close with a few girls now. tapi since i'm going off, macam susah sikit la" my sisters being themselves, started asking for photos and details. excited habis (it's either they are happy for me or they couldn't wait to criticise my choice of 'girlfriend'- evil sisters!) i decided to ignore them. buang karan je..

if there's anyone in my family who might know about my queerness, it would be my younger brother. he used to LOVE going through my stuff. and being a plu, i have a few 'questionable' materials in my possession in my bedroom. mcm takut jugak pecah lubang dgn dia nih. but luckily he's not the type yang kecoh2. i hope whatever it is that he knows, he'd keep it to himself. but last weekend while having dinner with the family he blurted out "so abang xxx bila nak kahwin?" (we were talking about dubai stuff). uiks! was that i sly grin i saw that accompanied the question? aduh.. ntahla. i just casually replied "nanti la... muda lagi. tunggu kaya dulu.."

to make things worse, my friends and colleagues (actually just one friend and one colleague) who knew that i'm still single are trying to hook me up with some girls (one month before i leave for a foreign country - don't quite know whether it's a good idea or not). last thursday, while i was having dinner with a 'new acquaintance' (heheh), my colleague called. she had told me earlier that she wanted to introduce me to this girl that she knows - daughter of her friend. but when she called me that night, she was with the girl's mother. and she actually passed the phone to the girl's mother for her to speak to me (gasp!). since i always take interviews seriously (irregardless of its nature), i actually layan the makcik betul-betul la. (for some weird reason i always leave a good impression with the makcik makcik type ... son-in-law material habis aku nih.. heheh). and the next day, my colleague told me that the makcik has consented if i want to ask her daughter out for a date. hampeh.. now i actually have to bring this girl out.

my friend pulak sent me this message last friday:

"xxx, ko nak awek tak.bdk ofis aku umur 27thn.. muka ok body ok org penang..sedang mencari gak..klu nak aku forwardkan no dia..Parent dia doctor and pharmacist"

i know i should be grateful for having such caring and thoughtful friends, but i can't help feeling depressed. because this thing reminds me of my INADEQUACY. and how FUTILE everything is. that's why i don't really need all these attention and assistance cause they are making me feel crappy about myself.

C'EST NOEL

no, i don't celebrate christmas. but christmas is always a special occasion for me and my siblings because our parents' anniversary is on 26 dec. we always try to come back to celebrate their anniversary in ipoh. that's why i'm going back to ipoh this weekend. will be following a friend to go back tomorrow and will be flying back to kl on monday (yup, i'm flying back to kl). i have always wanted to take a plane from ipoh to kl. when i was younger, i frequented the ipoh airport (because it's so near to my house) and i remembered thinking how cool these people are to spend a few hundred bucks to take the plane to kl when the bus ticket only cost RM 10.50. well, this monday, i get to be one of those cool people... heheh.

btw, tendered my resignation two days ago. was called by my manager TWICE persuading me to reconsider. she was actually counter-offering me at some point (which caught me offguard - didn't know that i was that valuable to her..heheh). today, i was called to see my GM. interestingly, he was indirectly supporting my decision. he said being a fellow bumiputera, he encourages me to venture out. to gain international exposure. to explore. and that's exactly what i'm doing. too bad going to dubai also means that i have to stop exploring some other areas for a while (if u know what i mean.. ;P)

enjoy the long weekend everyone!!

BEEN THERE, DONE THAT

i found this on another blogger's site. think it's called a meme (correct me if i’m wrong). and i think someone is supposed to pass it to you before u do it. well since no one's gonna pass it to me, i think i'll just help myself with it (oh yeah, i'm supposed to x the ones that i've done):


(x) smoked a cigarette – tried a few times, but i think i didn’t inhale it properly. takut batuk… heheh
( ) smoked a cigar
( ) made out with a member of the same sex - err i don't think this should be on the list. it's like asking whether i breathe or not (wah!!)
(x) been in love – don’t know if it was love or not .. but it definitely was a weird feeling
( ) been dumped
(x) stolen – i was pickpocketed last year - just a day after i withdrew 1k from the ATM. sigh..
( ) been fired
(x) been in a fight - standard 5... ganas aku nih!!!
( ) snuck out of my parent's house - my parents keep the house keys in their room when they go to bed. so no possibility of that happening
(x) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back – hate is a feeling, right ;P
( ) been arrested
( ) made out with a stranger
(x) gone on a blind date – a weekly affair (wah!)
(x) lied to a friend – i’m not even going to comment on this
( ) had a crush on a teacher
( ) skipped school – believe it baby!
( ) slept with a coworker
( ) seen someone die
( ) had a crush on one of your blogging friends – at least not yet ;p
( ) been to Canada
( ) been to Mexico
(x) been on a plane
( ) thrown up in a bar
( ) purposely set a part of myself on fire - a friend tried to light my bulu kaki. i think he was turned on by it… eheh
(x) eaten Sushi
( ) been snowboarding
(x) met someone in person from the blogosphere – hehehe…
( ) been in an abusive relationship
( ) taken painkillers
( ) love someone or miss someone right now – i have no one… :(
(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
( ) made a snow angel
( ) had a tea party - isk .. plu sgt.. mana boleh .. blow off cover nanti
(x) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle – i don’t think what a built qualified as a castle… maybe a sand STRUCTURE… heheh
( ) gone puddle jumping
( ) played dress up
( ) jumped into a pile of leaves
( ) gone sledding
(x) cheated while playing a game - all the time (especially if it’s scrabble with my sister. she would win EVERY single time that it’s not even funny)
(x) been lonely – it’s like breathing…
(x) fallen asleep at work/school – prinsip akaun class 96/97… *yawn* (patutla x score)
( ) used a fake id
( ) watched the sun set – not my thing
(x) felt an earthquake – once earlier this year, i was in pan pac jb at the time (actually it was more like a tremor)
(x) touched a snake
( ) slept beneath the stars
(x) been tickled - i'm sure i have been when i was a baby
( ) been robbed
(x) been misunderstood – ALWAYS misunderstood
( ) pet a reindeer/goat
(x) won a contest - lots ... but the biggest was a domestic trip and RM500 when I was 19 (yay!)
(x) run a red light – especially after midnight. but it’s ok, i’m always careful
( ) been suspended from school – SO not me
( ) been in a car accident
( ) had braces
(x) felt like an outcast - again, a daily affair
( ) eaten a wholepint of ice cream in one night - nope, don’t think i can stand the subsequent self-guilt
(x) had deja vu
( ) danced in the moonlight
(x) hated the way you look – refer earlier post
(x) witnessed a crime – a grocery store was robbed in front of my eyes. he had a knife so i didn't dare to do anything
( ) pole danced
(x) questioned your heart
( ) been obsessed with post-it notes
( ) squished barefoot through the mud
(x) been lost – SELALU (but now not so bad)
(x) been to the opposite side of the country
( ) swam in the ocean
(x) felt like dying – i’ve had stomachaches that was capable of giving me that effect
(x) cried yourself to sleep
(x) played cops and robbers – my ultimate favourite kindergarten game (chasing around other guys – why wouldn’t it be? ;p)
(x) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers – i have 8 nephews and nieces who are below 12. go figure
(x) sung karaoke – are you kidding me!?
(x) paid for something with only coins
(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't - hehehe
( ) made prank phone calls
( ) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose - gross
( ) caught a snowflake on your tongue
( ) danced in the rain – never had a chance to be in a music video
( ) written a letter to Santa Claus – orang melayu tak buat mcm ni
( ) been kissed under a mistletoe – again, orang melayu tak buat mcm ni
( ) watched the sun set with someone you care about
(x) blown bubbles
( ) made a bonfire
( ) crashed a party
(x) gone roller-skating
(x) had a wish come true
( ) screamed penis in class – i’m glad i didn’t have to put an ‘x’ for this one
( ) ate dog/cat food – gross!
(x) told a complete stranger you loved them
(x) kissed a mirror – don’t ask why
(x) sang in the shower
(x) have a little black dress – irrelevant (i don’t drag)
( ) had a dream that you married someone – no ‘x’ here… so sad…
( ) glued your hand to something
( ) got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
( ) kissed a fish
( ) worn the opposite sexes clothes (for a play)
(x) sat on a roof top
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs
( ) done a one-handed cartwheel
( ) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) stayed up all night – a few times when i was in uni
( ) didn't take a shower for a week - ewww
( ) pick and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) climbed a tree
( ) had a tree house
( ) are too scared to watch scary movies alone
(x) believe in ghosts
( ) have more than 30 pairs of shoes
( ) worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say – i had to put up with ugly uniforms for 2 years – does that count?
( ) gone streaking – what’s streaking?
( ) played ding-dong-ditch - what’s ding-dong-ditch?
( ) played chicken [in the pool] – how do u play that game?
( ) been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
( ) been told you're hot by a complete stranger – i wish…
(x) broken a bone – standard 3 – jatuh longkang
( ) been easily amused
( ) caught a fish then ate it – have always wanted to do this
( ) made porn - HAHAHA
( ) caught a butterfly
(x) laughed so hard you cried
( ) cried so hard you laughed
( ) mooned/flashed someone
( ) had someone moon/flash you
( ) cheated on a test – betul… tak pernah..
( ) have a Britney Spears CD
(x) forgotten someone's name – countless times
(x) slept naked
( ) French braided someone's hair
( ) gone skinny dippin in a pool
( ) been kicked out of your house
( ) ridden a horse bareback
( ) eaten a lobster you caught yourself
( ) killed another human being – metaphorically - yes. literally - no

oh - again, due to my restricted knowledge in editing my posts, i couln't figure out a way to differentiate my remarks from the original list. heheh.. (*sheepish grin*). but i think you'll get the hang of it. i know people who read my blog are very intelligent people ;P

p.s: i just realised that someone DID tag me to do this meme. silentreader.. thx for the tag and ("sheepish grin*) sorry for not being able to check out your blog that regularly (or read your entries from start to finish) this past few weeks. as you know - i have this one issue that requires my absolute attention.. eheh

UNGRATEFUL THOUGHTS

i have not always been very grateful with what i have. sometimes, i wish that i have parents who can understand me better, siblings who are more caring, friends who are less idiotic and neighbours who are cuter and PLU-er (eheh..). but most of all, i always wish that i am hunkier (i know - i'm shallow)

watching oprah last sunday night has somehow made me realise (yet again) how lucky i am. how blessed i am with what i have. and this includes my physical being. one of her guests last night was this guy who was born without arms and legs. he had this thing called congenital amputation. i have to admit that he looked a bit abnormal (not having arms and legs and all) but you can really see that he has learned to accept his condition as it is and decided to move on with life. he did not use his disability as an excuse not to enjoy life. he can write, type, shave, brush his teeth and play sports. watching him on the show (full of life and all) made me stop and think - i am an ungrateful b*stard for complaining so much all this while. here is one guy who has every right to feel bad and blame the world for being born the way he was born and yet he probably has a much more positive outlook on life than me! i silently complain about my looks every time i look into the mirror. i wish that my eyes are bigger, my teeth are straighter and my jaws are more defined (to name a few). i really should just knock my own head with something the next time i do this. and the truth is after watching the show, everytime i look into the mirror - i have learned to appreciate more what i have and be grateful for it...

watching shows like oprah and bersamamu (on tv3) humbles you. it really says "hey.. you think god hasn't given u enough? think again." and it makes you more willing to share what you have with other people who are not lucky enough to have what you have.

ps: i suddenly realise that what i wrote sounded a bit poyo. just bear with me ok - i'm in one of those moods... well, it's my blog anyway! heheheh...

THE TROUBLE WITH BOYFRIENDS (OF MY GIRLFRIENDS, NOT MINE)

most of the thoughts in my mind currently evolve around the new job in dubai. but i don't think i want to write about that anymore... i don't think even i can stand reading about that anymore. so i'm goonna write about something else now... i'm going to tell you a story about my friend R (who is a girl, btw)and her boyfriend.

i met R when i did my matriculation in one of the mara colleges (which shall not be revealed or even described to maintain confidentiality... eheh). we were in the same class. she sat in front of me in class. she's pretty - curly hair, sharp features and all. u could easily mistake her for a product of malay + mat salleh parents (eventhough she is not - how she turned out the way she did is still beyond my comprehension). and she comes from a very well-off family. one would expect that someone with her type of looks and wealth would be an outright stuck-up spoiled brat. but she's not.. well, she's a bit spoiled but she's not stuck-up. and she's very funny too (although maybe unintentionally- she's very ditzy and that cracks me up!). we were (as expected) close friends in uni.

we remained close friends until she decided to do her masters in australia last january. after she left we would occasionally sms each other occasionally but that was it. but yesterday morning a received a phone call from her. i was ecstatic. it turned out that she's back for a 3-week break. we decided to meet up kat mamak in tesco md later to catch up on things. aku dah happy dah... until she told me that her bf would be joining us. me being myself, i actually asked her "err.. kalau boyfriend ko tak ikut tak boleh ke?" the truth is, she doesn't really want him to join as as well... because:

1) he'd be lost in the conversation (because he doesn't really share the same circle of friends). but the thing is, he is very persistent and he'd be asking "who are guys talking about" everytime he hears an unfamiliar name.
2) R wants to tell me about her scandal (yup... she's two-timing him... hehehe)

and i didn't want him to join for the 2 reasons stated above plus no. 3:
3) OMG he is such a bore! boring boring boring (heheheh)

but R couldn't escape from not bringing him along so he tagged along last evening. it was nice to see her again and catch up. and gossip. and bitch about the people we don't like. it was fun.. well except for the fact that throughout the whole time her boyfriend was touching her everywhere in front of me! i was like .. whadda?!! it's like he couldn't get his hands off her. i knew R was a bit uncomfortable with it (maybe because she knew that i was not comfortable with it - i kept having to look somplace else whenever he started touching her). hek eleh, desperado sangat ke dia nih? aku yang desperado macam ni pun tak macam tu...

R actually called me aterwards after i got home to apologise. i said that it was fine... "dia rindu sangat kot.. dah setahun tak jumpa" (although in my mind i was like "well, get a room or something then!!") the thing is, i think her bf is feeling a bit insecure about him being two-timed once and all (yup, he knows. but he thought that it was over between R and the other guy when the fact is it is not quite over). i think he can't bear losing R again. but i think he is doing a very good job in making R feel suffocated by him (which could definitely work against him). ntahla... i feel R deserves someone better (well... someone less boring if not better).

i seem to have issues with most of my girlfriends' boyfriends - kenapa ek? could it be because of my jealousy (cos they're straight and i'm not which in turn has allowed them to develop feelings for my girlfriend which i can't). or could it be that they're just plain neurotic psychos? hmm.. it can't possibly me.. it has to be them then ..eheh

IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT

what do you call someone who confidently told his prospective employer that he only needs to serve a month's notice when the actual fact is that he needs give THREE %*@#$@+* MONTHS' notice?

an IDIOT

can i blame this on someone else? heheh...

REMINISCING MELAKA

i had a very good time in melaka... it was good company + good hotel + good weather ... my only grouch is the traffic jam on my way back to kl (apparently they are doing this road-widening thing along the melaka-kl stretch. as a result of that, i spent nearly 3 hours to get back to kl. penat..... thought of skipping work today but later i decided not to (in anticipation of receiving an important email about the dubai job).

anyway, before we left melaka, we made a pit stop at my former school. the last time i was there was AT LEAST 7 years ago (to get my spm results). i was really excited to see how the school look like now. i practically had to beg the pakcik security there to let me in (i was quite impressed with the level of security there.. especially considering it's the school holidays and there was no one around to kidnap). "bolehla pakcik... saya nak pusing2 je... nak tengok sekolah lama..saya tak turun kereta pun" he finally obliged but he insisted that one of the other guards follow my car (cheh...).

i felt particularly sentimental entering the school grounds after such a long time... the tree-lined, resort-style landscaped road suddenly became very familiar (the trees have grown bigger and made it more picturesque). the road looked nice and very welcoming. the buildings however, have definitely seen better days. they are in need of a new coat of paint (the school was opened in 1995 and has not been re-painted since i think). it was almost dilapidated… it looked almost lifeless. maybe the fact that there were no school kids around gave the lifeless effect.

as much as i want to say that i missed my school days there –there are definitely parts of it that won’t miss. i won’t miss the suffocating daily routine, i won’t miss having to force open my eyes to stay awake in class for the whole two years that i was there, i won’t miss the maddening level of competitiveness among the students (and i’m not just talking academically) and i definitely won’t miss being used as guinea pig by the management in their efforts of coming up with a ‘recipe for excellence’ (my batch was the first batch to graduate – hence the ‘guinea pig’ status)

but i do miss some parts of my years spent there. i miss the state-of-the-art facilities that i was allowed to enjoy when i was there, i miss having the kind of friendship that i had with some of my friends (when you see them almost every minute of your waking hour – you tend to be very close with them), i miss believing in the idealistic dreams that i had in my mind about how my future was going to be like and feeling that it was so easily achievable. i miss having the belief that the future for me, was full of exciting possibilities. and i miss having the belief that i would no longer be a plu once i’m 21 (yup, that’s what i call idealistic). basically, i miss my innocence and naivety. but would i give everything up just to be 17 again? definitely not – especially when it means that i have to take add. maths again (NOOOOOO!!!!)

I HEREBY ACCEPT

ok, just sent the e-mail to dubai about a minute ago to confirm my acceptance of the offer. By far, the most significant, life-changing e-mail that i have written in my whole life (so significant that i actually had to seek for 'professional' service - thanks heaps silentreader ;P). i hope that everything will go ok. but even if it doesn't, i will try not to blame it on myself (i'll blame it on those who told me to go instead... hahahah j/k). the future is not ours to be seen (quoting the lyrics of a song that i learned back in kindergarten), right? so - whatever shall be, will be...

anyway, i'm going off to melaka for a short cuti2 malaysia thingy with a few friends... nope - no cute guys involved in the trip (unless if you count me in... eheh). it's just me and a bunch of my ex-colleagues - 1 guy (me) and 4 anak daras (see the pattern here? how am i supposed to survive in dubai? i don't think i can hang out with girls so openly there. i surely can't imagine myself hanging out with 4 ladies in hijabs there at a starbucks - macam pelik je kan?). guess i better start reading up on cars, football, cricket (i read that it's a big thing there) and camels (huh? heheh). banyak homework nak kena buat ni...

alright - i'm off. to those working in selangor, enjoy the additional day off. to those who work in kl - enjoy the road closure on monday (kekekek). and to those living elsewhere - enjoy err.... life (?)

GASP!

to get a better feel of what i may be getting myself into, i have been googling everything dubai. and i found this - from an expat-living-in-dubai blog:

"Those unconfined by the UAE's rigid and regressive internet censorship will be unaware of the absolute block of the P-word.

In the UAE it is impossible to search Google for information on the James Bond film Octopussy. It is impossible to look for a picture of Honor Blackman playing Pussy Galore. It is impossible to search Thesaurus.com to find an alternative to "pussyfoot". It is impossible to view the photos that a friend puts online of her pussycat, as pussycat2.jpg* etc will all be blocked."

OHHH... MYYYY.... GAWWDD!!!!

CROSSROADS (PART DEUX)

me : eh, i got an offer to work in dubai la
friend: that’s great! so are you going?
me: i don’t know yet
friend: what did you parents say? are they ok with it? (i had this question asked by at least 5 of my friends)

‘ok with it’ would be an understatement. my parents are practically SHOVING me to go to dubai (allow me to illustrate my point – after i had my second interview for this job, my dad gave me a ‘belajar bahasa arab’ book for me to read. yes, 'shoving' would be the appropriate word. and talk about pressure!) frankly speaking, i wish that my parents could be a little less enthusiastic about this. i don't seem to be able to trace any remote feeling that they are going to miss me (which makes me feel a little bit sad and unappreciated). i can understand that they want the best for me. on the surface, going to dubai will benefit me tremendously – economic-wise and experience-wise. and i know that they want to be proud of me, to be able to brag about me (biasala... mak bapak...) to the neighbours and relatives. i mean, i am glad that i can make them be proud of me. but i just wish that i can see an inkling of worry-ness in them about me being away.

truth be told, it was my dad who told me about the job vacancy. it came out in nst a couple of months ago. you see, after joining my current company in may, i have sworn to myself that i would not even touch the recruitments section of the newspaper for at least another two years. i was getting worried of the expanding list of former employers in my CV. so the not-touching-the-recruitments-section was a control measure on my part. but unfortunately (or fortunately) i didn’t make my dad to do the same thing. i was back in ipoh for the weekend one day when my dad handed me a piece of newspaper cut-out. it was the job advertisement “tak interested?” he casually asked. and i jokingly replied “laa… nak suruh tukar kerja lagi ke?” “try your luck la. it will be good for you”

i brought the newspaper cut-out back to kl. but in the midst of work and surfing plu sites (eheh..), it kinda slipped my mind. well, not really. i don’t forget stuff easily. i just refuse to do them early. i was actually planning to send out my application via email on the closing date when i was suddenly asked to attend a meeting somewhere in KLIA on that day. and it lasted the whole day. so i didn't manage to send the application. as expected, my dad called later that night to check whether i’ve sent the application or not. all i could do was to give a sheepish “tak sempat la bapak...eheh”. he didn’t show any disappointment but i could sense that he was a teeny bit disappointed.

a few weeks after that, i learned that an ex-colleague of mine went for the interview but didn’t get it. i genuinely felt sorry for her but at the same time the fact that she did not get it suddenly made the job more appealing. so i asked her to ask the recruitment agency whether they still accept new applications even though it had passed the closing date. she agreed to help me (albeit reluctantly) and it turned out that they were still accepting new applications. and the rest, is history. (oh yeah, remind me to treat her something nice ok? come to think of it, i owe her big time for this. she must have felt lousy when i told her that i got the offer).

to tell you the truth. i’m scared. i’m scared of not being able to fit in. i’m not very good at making new friends. especially with guys. and i think in dubai, a significant majority of the working population are men. i know for a fact that everyone in my department there are men. i just don’t feel very comfortable in a male-dominated environment. only a few type of guys can click with me well. if i don't find any... i am going to live a very lonely life there (not that i am not familiar with being lonely... but this would bring it to a whole new level). and plus, i don’t really have a thing for arab guys... (guess no pull factor there huh ;P)

and i’m also scared that i would hate the job. that i would find it so unbearable that it makes me just want to go home. but i don’t want to do that. i may have a reputation as a job-hopper, but not a quitter. but what if things go beyond my maximum tolerance level?

guess i will find out soon enough, eh?

p.s.: i actually emailed my would-be manager saying that i needed a bit more time to think about the offer. i promised to provide him with an answer by sunday. right now, i’m still indecisive. but i have the feeling that i will take up the offer... best ke blogging from dubai? eheh...

CROSSROADS

i had wanted to write about a few things last weekend… as i didn’t have a lot of things planned, i thought that i would have ample time to do that. it was going to be my blogging-marathon weekend. but unfortunately (or fortunately for the readers ;p), it was not to be… i received a call on saturday night that has now left me with a big dilemma. and my functionality to carry out the things that i had planned has somehow been affected because of this dilemma (i did not even iron my shirt that i’m wearing to work today)

ok, so i got the dubai job (i mentioned about this in one of the earlier posts). received a phone call from my would-be manager on while i was driving around taipan usj with a friend looking for a place to eat. negotiated my terms of employment from my car with my would-be manager in dubai for 30 minutes (that was a first). he laid out the final offer and i’m supposed to revert back in 3 days’ time. it’s been one and a half days and i have going back and forth with my decisions about a million times… crap.

oddly enough, i have anticipated that this will happen. as grateful as i am of the rezeki that is being extended to me, i knew that if i get the job, i would have the toughest time making the decision. so tough that I somehow wish that i wouldn’t have gotten the offer in the first place. and to think that the reason that has gotten me into this dilemma was the fact that i wanted to try it out because my ex-colleague was not successful (i have this competitive side of me that can be self-damaging at times) has made me think of how a decision (to try out for this job) which was based on a shallow and not-so-noble intentions could possibly change my life so significantly, either for the better or for worse.

earlier, i had my reservations of the job scope… but after going through the third interview (yes, ladies and gentlemen – THREE rounds of interviews), i have the impression that it is not so bad and the expectation is not so daunting either. so basically, that part is resolved. and the salary package is not half-bad either. and i’ll be getting something that AGMs in my company are getting. my main concern that this is a decision is that it is hard to undo. i have switched jobs before (more than a few times.. may i add) but if i take up this job, it’s not that easy to just pack up and leave for another job. yes, i have commitment issues (eheh..)

i guess being a perfectionist (albeit self-professed) makes it tougher for me to make a decision. the need to make the right decision is tremendous (especially when you can’t undo it so easily – perfectionists are control freaks). but with the little knowledge of how things would be in dubai (if i were to take up this offer) leaves me feeling inadequate in making the decision. i just don’t know if i am up for it. i’m sure that there will be hardship, but will the three-fold increase in salary (i’m rubbing it in just a little bit am i not? P;) and experience gained be able to compensate all the hardship? i am generally happy with how things are going with my life right now in kl (well except for the unsure future of my present company and the fact that i am without a partner....sigh), but generally, it has been a long time since i felt genuinely happy with how things are with my life (and ‘opening up’ has something to do with it). and now i am supposed to leave my life at a point when i am happy because it this new job can promise me a better career path and personal wealth in the future? am i matured and strong enough to make the ‘right’ decision, face the hardship and uncertainty and leave my comfortable life here for a supposed bright future? is my future in kl that bleak to start off with? (i don’t think so) and will get another opportunity like this again if i let this one go?

where art thou, divine answers?

FALSE ALARM

had an interesting morning at the office today. i came in at about 8.35 am (5 minutes late because i knew that my manager won't be around today). 20 minutes later, while i was just getting started with my work (the first 20 minutes of my day is devoted to having my breakfast whilst checking the 'necessary' sites on the internet ;P) one of my colleagues complained of contractions. she is 8-month pregnant. and the whole unit went chaotic (note: my unit consists of 6 women and myself). it was quite a funny scene.. it reminded me of a scene from sister act I (when all the nuns went to las vegas to find whoopi). oh, but being the macho-est of the lot, i remained calm la (pregnant ladies are not a big deal to me - when you have 3 elder sisters who are married with a few kids - it won't be a big deal to you too)

anyway, as the calmest of the crowd, i volunteered to drive my colleague (and a few others who decided to follow - it felt like a field trip) to the hospital (a day in the life of an everyday hero.. sigh ;p). but her contractions stopped along the way. it turned out as a false alarm... the doctor at the hospital confirmed it. hmm, might as well. had she given birth today, i'm sure i will have to share her workload with my other not-bearing-a-child-at-the-moment colleagues now. i'm just not prepared for it yet.. heheh. whatever it is, i think the false alarm has managed to break the monotony of my work today (although what's happening to my company at the morning is ANYTHING but monotonous ;P)