PARTING IS SUCH SWEET SORROW...

the past 2 weeks or so had been 'turbulent' for me to say the least... resigning from my job, meeting friends for the last time before i go, packing and moving back to ipoh, leaving kl, getting things ready for dubai... it had been overwhelming for me. i am embarrassed to admit this, but i had a few minor breakdowns along the way - some when i was alone and some in the company of others. at times it did feel like it was a bit too much for me to handle. and having to go through all this trouble for something which i am not really looking forward to makes it even worse. parting goodbyes with your close friends.. knowing that the next time you're back they'd probably be married and you won't be able to hang out with them so much anymore.. thinking about how you're going to miss your friends' weddings (seriously - many of my friends are tying the knot this year) .. not being able to be there to share their happiness... you can't help but feel a bit emotional.

i love my friends. and i am grateful to have (most of) them as my friends. being someone who is not a kl local, you rely a lot on your friends - for companionship, for advice, for help. that is why having to part with them (albeit temporarily) leaves quite an impact with me. strangely enough i think having to part with them is harder than having to part with some of my family members. although i don't come from a broken family, i do wish that my family is less dysfunctional than it is now. i don't really have the best siblings in the world (they can be vicious and mean at times). and i seem to have issues with my mom ENDLESSLY (it's sad when the person who is supposed to understand you best doesn't know you that well at all). don't get me wrong - i still love them and i know that i should be grateful. but you can't help but wish that they / she could be a little bit more affectionate to this younger brother of theirs / son of hers...

when i told my friends that i was going to spend a few days in ipoh before i leave for dubai, they'd say to me "nak balik ipoh ni nak bermanja2 dgn yr mom la ni...". i just smiled to that comment. because seriously, i knew that it wasn't going to happen. in fact, i knew that there is a good chance that i would get upset by my mom and/or my siblings. and true enough, it only took her an hour after i reached home before she managed to upset me with her words. was i being a bit too sensitive? perhaps. but the thing is, as my mom, she SHOULD know that i am that sensitive. plus, if she can refrain from being so direct when it comes to my brother (apparently her favourite child) why can't she do the same for me? i'm leaving the country in a few days' time for god's sake!! does it hurt to show a little bit of consideration? don't tell me that she may not realise that what she says bothers me because i made it clear to her that it does. but without fail, she would manage to come out with something that could just spoil your day (it's quite impressive actually how she manages to do this everytime we meet). all i wanted was a nice, stress-free last couple of days in ipoh with my family before i leave. but in my family's case, this is obviously a little bit too much to ask.

having a mom who practices favouritism sucks when you are not the favourite. and being a person who preaches equality to all human kind and abhors monopoly / inequality, i just refuse to accept the fact that someone else is getting a better treatment than me due to reasons that i fail to comprehend. that's why i become more observant to the things she do and the things she say - to look for a hint of equality. i'm not asking to BE a favourite - just equality. i'll be looking at everything - from who gets offered for extra helpings of rice during dinnertime to who needs to bring his dirty clothes for washing and who doesn't need to do so (cos she would personally pick up HIS clothes from HIS room). but sadly my observations further proves that inequality exists. i may sound childish by pointing these things out.. but i can't help it. these things are how my mom expresses her affection and for the most part.. i get very little of it.

maybe being away from my family will do me some good. maybe having minimal communication with them would help improve the situation. maybe being away will enable them appreciate my presence better (well at least that's one of my friends said to me..)

anyway, i'll be off to dubai in about 21 hours. this will be my last entry in m'sia. i don't quite know when is my next entry going to be but i hope that it will be soon. but i have to say that in view of some recent events (which i can't say here) ... there might be some changes. i don't know... i have yet to think about it. anyway, for those who have been checking my blog regularly, thank you for your support and interest. i really appreciate it. i apologise if what i have written so far may have hurt anyone's feelings (linda onn for example). and for the readers whom i know personally, thank you guys. i may not be able to meet up with some of you before i leave but i hope that we'll stay in touch. please pray for my happiness, success and strength (i'm gonna need a lot of this).

ma'assalama...

p.s. happy CNY to those who are celebrating it!!

FAKE INTEREST

i know that i haven't been updating this blog of mine as frequently as i want to. but there is just not enough time!!! there are just so many things that i NEED and WANT to do before i leave the country but there is so little time left. so many friends to meet before i go... so many farewell gatherings... so many change of address notifications to make (all the credit card bills, loans, etc.) ... so much shopping to do (i think i'm going to be declared a bankrupt soon) ... so many so many so many (even WRITING about this makes me feel depressed - so i'm not gonna delve further into this. oh yeah, fyi - i had a panic attack while trying to go to sleep last night just THINKING about the things that i need to do before i go. i actually had to take a few deep breaths to calm myself down - yes, it's THAT stressful). all these things have made it impossible for me to update my blog regularly. oh yeah, and plus this is my 50th entry and i really wanted to make it special (you know how when ppl send you memes they always need you to refer to your 50th entry? i don't want to be embarrassed when i am required to look back at my 50th entry). but looking at the current circumstances, SPECIAL maybe not be so achievable.. so i'm just gonna go for DECENT now.

ok, a few entries i wrote about how i'm being match-made by a couple of my friends. at that time, a friend wanted to introduce me to someone and so did a colleague. but two weeks ago, ANOTHER friend tried to introduce me to her best friend. we met at a wedding (the one where i was the celebrated wedding singer.. heheh) and i thought that she was an interesting person. so i agreed to go out with her for a movie. that was two weekends ago. we had a GREAT time. we have a lot of similarities to a point where it scares me a bit. both of us are smart, funny (ok... i realise if i go on with this i might sound like a self-praising a**hole .. so let's just say that the both of us have A LOT in common). too bad she was a girl, if she was a he... i would've kidnapped 'him' home and (censored censored censored) ... hehehe. anyway, after i got home, my friend (who introduced me to this girl) called to ask about the date. i said that i had a lot of fun. "good. because she just called me to say that she couldn't stop smiling after meeting you" (wahh... hehehe. i never knew that i was capable of having such effect on people..hehehe)

we have met 2 more times after that. i have a feeling that she likes me. and don't get me wrong. i like her VERY MUCH. but i like her as much as how a PLU guy can like a girl. deep down, i feel guilty because i know that i am giving her false hopes. she is a genuinely nice person and she doesn't deserve to be deceived this way. but yet, i find myself playing along this game. why? (especially when i have so many other things to do). i don't know. maybe because i've done so many PLU activities lately that i feel the need to cover it up with something big (like having a girlfriend). maybe the fact she fulfills most of my requirements of a "dream girl" (refer earlier post) has made me want to "keep" her (just in case i want to get married later). or maybe just so that i have someone "special" to be introduced to my family when they send me off at the airport? (which is kind of a stupid reason - but then again i'm not that smart at times). i seriously don't know. whatever it is, i have learned something out of this. as hard as it is to be a g*y, it is so much harder to become a bi. a lot of time and attention needs to be devoted to both parties... it's tiring... heheheh.

and THAT was my 50th entry..

A NOT-SO-VIRGIN VIRGOAN

i will always remember the first time i watched porn. i was in form five back then. and it happened in school (it was a boarding school). i think it was barely two months before spm (no wonder i didn't get straight a's for for my spm). they had a 'by-invitation-only' screening at the tv room (apparently, some of my guy friends managed to sneak a vcr out from the library - how they did it i don't know… but bravo guys!) one night and they invited me to join in. the rest of the guys watched porn since they were like 12... so they were surprised to discover that i was still a porno 'virgin' at 17. and because of this, they decided to make me guest of honour. i got the best seat in the house and they kept asking me "best tak? best tak?" throughout the movie. i can still remember the title. it was called 'helen does h*lland' (har har har). and of course, instead of focusing at helen's heaving bosoms, i was paying attention at the guys that she was 'doing' the whole time. and i remember saying to myself "oh yeah, i'm definitely g*y".

the thing is, i was quite proud to have been a 'porno' virgin up until i was 17. there is this part of me that just need to be different than the rest of the population (like being a PLU is different enough). heck, i refuse to watch any of the lord of the rings movies just so that i can tell people that i'm different (it's not like i'm actually dying to watch it la.. i'm definitely the chick-flick kinda person). i know that i can watch it and STILL claim that i haven't, but that's just not me (mostly because i flinch when i lie). so, after the tv room 'adventure' i can no longer claim that i have not watched porn. it took me a while to accept the fact that i'm no longer this naive innocent know-nothing-about-porn guy.

the same feeling resurfaced last weekend. i went clubbing last friday. and not just any club - i went to a PLU club. i had NEVER stepped foot in a club before. but since i'm going to be permanently based in another country in about 3 weeks' time, i decided to pay a visit to the club and let a few hundred people know that i'm a plu along the process.

i shared my uneasiness with sizz (my ever-faithful companion - thanks bud!) - about losing my status as a clubbing 'virgin', about the possibility of being caught in a raid and have my photo in the newspapers the next day. as expected, my reservations were greeted by him rolling his eyes. hey, it may not be a big deal to other people, but it was a big deal to me, alright? :P

nevertheless, friday night came with full of anticipation. we were planning to go to the more posh one (according to sizz la) since i want my first experience to be as most perfect as possible. but that place was closed on that night. so we had to go to the other one (the one with the rm10 cover charge). being an ardent fan of yusuf haslam movies (NOT!) i had a specific image of how a club would be (oh fyi, there is NO yusuf haslam movie that does not have a scene in a club). but what i saw was totally different from what i imagined. first of all, there were a lot more guys there (hehehe) and the place was A LOT smaller. but oh, the club-goers are much better dancers than the ‘kayu’ extras they hire for the movies. and some of them were really yummy! eheh...

all in all, i guess it wasn't a bad first experience. i had fun (it would've been a lot more fun if i got picked up by a guy... hehehe). and i'm actually thinking of going again this weekend (just to kacau sizz and his new toy boy actually .. hahaha). am i over the fact that i am no more a clubbing 'virgin'? well, my rule of thumb has always been - if you need to lie to avoid suspicion of your PLU-ness, then by all means - LIE. so, since i have only been to a PLU club (which means that i can lie about it to avoid suspicion), i am STILL a clubbing 'virgin'. then what is there to get over? ;P

AISKREM POTONG THE WEDDING SINGER

ever since winning a singing competition last year (actually it was just my former company's annual dinner thingy), i’ve had a few friends and colleagues who requested me to sing at their wedding. but i have politely declined the first few requests because i was a bit scared. i was scared that i would ruin the wedding (and simultaneously my friendship with newlyweds) if something were to go wrong (you know how an amateur singer has his off-days). and it was just unnecessary pressure for me. so i have declined ALL their requests (well it’s not like they were going to pay me anyway ;P) except for the one wedding last weekend. why? well, perhaps it was because she told me that they were also other friends of hers that would be performing that night. plus, it was a smaller-scale occasion held at night for friends only (the ‘real’ kenduri with the datuk2 and datin2 were held in the afternoon). but most importantly i thought that even if i messed up, i’d be leaving the country in about a month – so, no harm there ;P. i won’t be around to be ridiculed.

so, last sunday, i sang. twice. both tinggi-macam-nak-mamposs anuar zain songs (as requested by my overly-demanding bride friend). but i pulled it off ok i guess. i had a few strangers coming up to me to compliment me on my singing, so i guess it wasn’t so bad… heheh. the wedding itself was so much fun. i was among the last ones to leave the bride’s house. actually what made it more fun was because i get to meet this old friend of mine whom i used to know back in matriculation. we used to be quite close. and i liked hanging out with him. he was funny, articulate, intelligent and nice. i could sense that he was a PLU (oh come on, how many non-PLUs out there who are actually funny, articulate, intelligent AND nice?). and quite cute too. but after matriculation we drifted apart (he went to do medicine while i did err.. something else). we lost contact completely. but he was there at the wedding. and he is now a doctor. and he was still as warm and as nice as the last time i saw him. and judging by the way he responded to the “why aren’t you with anyone yet?” question (it was almost EXACTLY how i would normally answer), i am pretty sure that we are in the same boat. hmm … interesting. but since i’m going off, i decided not to do anything... for all i know, he is still in the closet. or worse, he could be str8 (nooo...hahaha). but we did exchange numbers. so tengokla … whatever happens, happens ;P

STARTING THE NEW YEAR WITH A’BANG’

i don’t usually go out to celebrate new years. it’s just too much hassle. all the crowd, the traffic, being one tiny person in a sea of people – it just makes me feel regular, a commoner. and that’s just not me (heheh). plus , i don't really enjoy watching fireworks. i mean, i WOULD enjoy them for the first, like, 10 seconds. after that, i’d only be thinking about how wasteful it is to spend thousands of dollars on something that gives you very little benefit. i’d normally spend the new year’s eve in front of the tv watching the new year’s special either on TV3, NTV7 or (yes) RTM with either my family or friends.

so last new year’s eve, i was planning to usher in the new year with my normal routine until a friend e-mailed an invitation to a makan-makan at her place in pantai hillpark on new year’s eve. thinking that i don’t really have much time left to spend with my friends before i leave, i decided to go (normally i wouldn’t have because there were a few people who i don’t really like whom i knew were going to be there). surprisingly, i had a nice time. the food was great (her green curry chicken was yummylicious!), and the crowd was ok. managed to catch up with a few guy friends whom i have not seen in a while (while ignoring a few others who were definitely worth my time). but the party kinda ended early because the guys had to leave for futsal. i had to leave as well cos i didn’t want to be the only guy left at my friend’s place (yup, not really secured with my manhood am i? it's hard to do so when you are a PLU). so i left my friend’s house at 11.45 feeling clueless as to what am i supposed to do when the clock strikes 12. i thought of driving back home but the thought of being alone in my car driving on the federal highway when the rest of the population celebrates in jubilation just seem too pathetic and sad. but i was dumbfounded. “habis tu.. nak buat apa nih?” being left with no choice, i started my engine and started to drive back to subang. and what i imagined earlier came true. i WAS still on federal highway when the clock in my car showed 12:00 (while listening to this fly.fm deejay scream “happy new year” with unjustifiable zest – urgh). well at least i got to know which song is no. 1 in 2005 (btw it’s ms. clarkson’s beyond these hazel eyes – at least according to fly.fm). but still, it was quite a pathetic way to celebrate the new year (even by MY standard)

but 5 minutes after reaching home, someone called. it was the same someone who changed my perception of that cheesy willie nelson song. he invited me to come over to his place. and i accepted the offer. and my initial sad and pathetic start to 2006 made a 180-degree turn. suffice to say that new year’s eve 2006 will always be something that i would never forget. and THAT is starting the new year with a bang! ;P

ANNOUNCING THE ARRIVAL OF...

ANOTHER sister gave birth to ANOTHER baby girl last friday. total anak buah headcount now: 9. went to visit my new baby-niece saraa at ampang puteri the next day. i don’t know why, but she seemed intelligent to me. and wise. and peaceful. it was so calming watching her (especially when my life is going haywire these days). to baby saraa, all the best in life. hopefully, u and baby umaira (my other baby niece) will get along well and not be so competitive with each other. seriously, having an over-achiever cousin who is the same age as you is no fun. the whole family would tend to compare you with him/her. i should know – i was an over-achiever cousin. and i know how miserable that made my cousins… hahahah. but hey, at least they are not a PLU. so they should count their blessings, right? ;P