DISDAIN?! ME?

a friend of mine gave me a testimonial on friendster recently. her exact words were.. “caring… but funnily disdain at times”. ok, i have to admit that initially i did not know what disdain exactly means (which is rather embarrassing). i have always thought that it means something like disappointed (which is partly true). but that doesn't make much sense does it? funnily disappointed? i don't think so. i had reach out for a dictionary to find out exactly what it means. and the definition that i got was:

disdain (noun): the feeling that somebody/something is not good enough to be respected e.g. monica felt that her boss always treated her with disdain (it’s the oxford dictionary for malaysian students... that's why it has the sample usage in a sentence thingy.. kudos to my little brother)

hmm... i’ve been described as a lot of things, but never as disdain. well, I think part of it has something to do with the fact that the rest of my friends, like me, do not exactly know what it means to be using the word in our daily conversation :)

being the self-conscious person that i am, i had to do an immediate self-reflection session. i read back the testimonial.. a few times. caring ... i can understand... FUNNILY disdain? ok, at least she chose a rather comforting adjective to accompany the verb... to make it sound somewhat endearing. but put aside the funny part, am I actually disdain? this friend of mine has hundreds of words that could have been used to describe me (well maybe thousands, considering her wide range of vocabulary), but she chose DISDAIN (apart from caring, which i have no issues with) to describe me.

as far as i know myself, i’ve always been humble to other people (OK, saying this makes me come off as a self-praising goody-goody two shoes). i’m not saying that i’m good or anything, but i think being humble and modest is good. i have the utmost respect for people who, despite being successful, still manage to remain humble and modest. but in my efforts in emulating that in my own self, have i crossed the borderline of being humble that people see me as a self-depreciating loser?

i guess everyone would like to develop characteristics they like to see in others. that’s why i always try to be modest and humble to other people (not that I have a lot of reasons to be proud of to start off with... but that is besides the point). but I never want to be seen as disdain. disdain, to me sounds like i’m a push-over. and i certainly do not want to be seen as a push-over!

but come to think of it, maybe i am disdain at times. and the reason why i am disdain is because i constantly crave for compliments, praises and flattery (this i have to admit). i need approval from people that i know that i am doing well. maybe that’s why sometimes i would be overly humble to the extent that i ridicule myself, in hope that someone would correct me and say “don’t be ridiculous. you are great at (something)!”. if this IS true, not only am i a self-depreciating loser, i am now a PATHETIC, LOW-LIFE self-depreciating loser... sigh.

nevertheless, i approved her testimonial. well, i need to show the world that i have friends who care enough to write something about me. after all, isn’t that what friendster is all about? it’s just a web-based popularity contest :). so, why am I making such a big deal out of this? maybe it’s because i’m FUNNILY disdain...

p.s: leave it to me to dramatise a testimonial sent by a friend into a 'i can't make sense of the world' episode...

FAREWELL, MY CONCUBINE (OOPS.. I MEAN CUBICLE)

just heard from my manager that the whole department needs tobe relocated to another building soon. that means i will have to let go of my cubicle soon... *sob*

i love my cubicle so much... it's VERY private. my back is against the wall and no one can actually see what's on my computer screen at any time. i think i have my cubicle to thank for providing me with all the opportunities.. the opportunity to surf myspace... to get in touch with other PLUs .. to read other PLU blogs... to get in touch with other PLU bloggers... to start my own blog...

i don't know how my new cubicle is gonna look like.. and how exposed my computer screen is going to be.. i hope it won't be so bad.. if things are bad in the new office, i might actually need to make internet connection available at my apartment.. lecehla. well, at least my time in the office would be more productive, and i don't have to feel so guilty about misusing the company's facilities anymore.. (like what i'm doing NOW :))

WHY...

this entry is in response to a question forwarded by a reader yesterday (i actually have people READING my blog ;)). the question - why PLUs are PLUs?

frankly speaking, i am not quite sure whether i would be the right person to give the answer to this question. well, i can talk about my personal experience.. and perhaps the experience of a few other fellow plus which i have come to know in the past few months. but that's about it.. i am not able to provide a holistic view of the matter.

some PLUs like me, came to learn about their abnormal sexual preference at a very early age (i'm talking about pre-school age here). it’s almost like we were born with it. i’m guessing it has something to do with the level of estrogen and testosterone in your body which is somehow imbalanced. most of us spent our childhood in utter confusion… being aroused by things that we shouldn’t be aroused at and vice versa. but nonetheless, we did not tell anyone… and played along like everything was fine. we shrugged it off as temporary, non-threatening thoughts that most probably did not mean anything. during pre-puberty we always thought things would change… cos everyone said that there will be one night when you will dream of ‘getting married’ (READ: having an intercourse with a girl a.k.a akil baligh).. so we waited.. and waited… but that dream never came. instead, OTHER dreams came.. and at that point, we were starting to feel that we may not be like other boys after all.

come secondary school years, it got harder… hormone levels were up and men was all that we would think about. but we still kept everything to ourselves. in addition to that, there were a lot more instances where we were required to ‘berlakon’.. when friends showed us photos of bare-chested women.. we would pretend to be oogling at the photos and make obnoxious sex-hungry comments like the rest of our peers (although the effect that we get from those photos is pretty much the same as what we get from looking at photos of a tree or a cow even). but still, the show must go on… and all the lakonan perlu diteruskan. some of us even had girlfriends (myself incuded) in high school - to cover the fact that we are PLUs and to somehow try and make ourselves be attracted to the opposite sex

most of us have adequate knowledge of our religion... at least enough to know that what we want is forbidden by our religion… but what can we do? we are left without a choice - we have been deprived of the birth right of a man - which is to be able to be attracted to a woman.

so in short, if you ask me why am i a PLU, my answer would be that i don’t know… i just am. it’s like asking a person – why are you a man (or a woman)? how do you answer that? you just are.

before i end this entry, there are a few things that i would like to point out here:

1. being a PLU is NOT a choice
2. most PLUs wish that they are not one
3. most PLUs had a terrible childhood
4. most PLUs had an even more terrible adolescent years
5. most PLUs don’t know where to go to seek guidance to address this problem
6. most PLUs wish that they would wake up one day and not be a PLU anymore

if somewhere along the way you find out that a friend of yours is a PLU, don’t sneer at him. and don’t judge him. chances are, he had to learn how to keep a dark secret and deal with his queerness when you were still playing with your Barbie dolls (if you are a girl) or your Transformers (if you are a guy). believe me, it’s no small feat.

p.s.: i should note here some guys become PLU only after going through a sexual experience with a member of the same sex, usually during their adolescent years. but since i did not experience this, i shall not delve on further about this. you will have to ask someone else about this.

oh yeah and about the other question ... which is why a lot of what is perceived by women as 'ideal men' are gay... the answer is simple - most of us such hotties! heheh.. who am i kidding here...

anyway, again i think it has something to do with your estrogen ans testosterone levels.. which determine your characteristics and traits (apart from your sexual preference). PLUs tend to share similar characteristics of a female to some extent. i believe we are more compassionate, more thoughtful, more considerate, more sensitive towards other people's feelings. you can confide in us much easier and communicate with us easier too (the book 'men are from mars, women are from venus' does not apply to us because we are from venus too!). basically, we are more refined than the average straight men. add that to good looks, a good brain and a good career (a combination which is surprisingly possessed by more and more PLUs these days) and you'll get your dream man. too bad he dreams about what you dream of too :)

did that help?

IT'S NOT RIGHT!

came across this article while doing my morning routine of online newspaper-surfing:


Alor Star, Kedah - Wed

More than 1,000 applicants, some with diplomas and degrees, turned up at the Pos Malaysia (Kedah/Perlis) headquarters today to apply for 100 vacancies as postmen.
But the graduates preferred to play down their true academic status, for fear of being rejected for being "over-qualified".

The job only requires a Sijil Rendah Pelajaran or Penilaian Menengah Rendah qualification but many who were interviewed said they were desperate for work.

A 25-year-old applicant with an IT degree from Universiti Teknologi Mara (UiTM) said he was currently working as a general assistant on a RM500 monthly salary.

"I heard they don’t want graduates which I think is wrong," he said.

"They are discriminating against us when they should be looking at getting the best who are enthusiastic and smart for the job.

"I am not choosy about work but my present job does not offer job security while the postman job pays RM700 and is more secure. I just hope I will get it as I am getting married next year."

Another applicant, with a degree in Human Resource from Universiti Malaya, said he had been jobless since graduating two years ago.

"I applied everywhere, even for a shop or supermarket assistant, but was rejected because I am over-qualified. I can’t be living off my parents any more."

Pos Malaysia mail operations chief Mansor Mahazan said the interviews would be conducted today and tomorrow to fill vacancies in Kedah and Perlis following its voluntary separation scheme.

"We are looking for SRP or PMR holders with a motorcycle licence and preferably their own motorbikes."

Many applicants came to the headquarters in Jalan Stadium as early as 6.30am to be in time for the interviews at 8am.

my first reaction after reading the article was.. how can this happen? what is going on? but then i started to ponder.. is this a true reflection of what is going on.. or is it just an isolated case? but nonetheless, i don't think it should be happening at all.

how can a decent (ok, first assumption: decent) graduate from a decent local university be HOPING to get a job as a postman. ok wait before i go on futher, i should state here that i am not saying that being a postman is not a decent job. it's a noble job and someone has to do it. but we should always match our job with our abilities - or else it would be just a waste of resources. a waste of the parent's resources and a waste of the government's resources.

but of course, as the saying goes - berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu memikul. i was unemployed for 1 and a half months before i took on my first job and it was already hell for me. for this guy to be unemployed for 2 years - it must be a much worse hell for him. he must be really exasperated for a job that he went for the postman interview.

what saddens me most is that i can almost guarantee that the 2 gentlemen being interviewed are malays (ok another disclaimer: i'm not a racist, i just care about my race. i'm just trying to point out what is wrong with my race without condemning the other races. so please don't put me in jail for this)

something needs to be done la.. if i can guess the root causes of the problem it would be:
1.they are very choosy about the companies that they apply to(restricting themselves to just government bodies)
2.they may not have very flattering CGPA's or extracurricular activities in their resume
3.they don't quite know how to strategise when they prepare their resume
4.they may get calls to attend interview but were not successful (largely due to kack of communication skills)
5.they are probably among the most unlucky souls living on this planet

i think Jabatan Pembangunan Sumber Manusia should look more closely at this problem. paying them RM500 a month to attend training on English or IT can only help them so much. they should focus about getting these ppl a job first.. those skills can be acquired over time (i don't think your english skills can improve tremendously after taking a 3-month course anyway) the focus should be in helping these people to become successful interview candidates. ajarla mcm mana nak prepare resume, mcm mana nak buat cover letter yg gempak, mcm mana nak prepare for interviews, self-grooming sikit-sikit. it's all about strategy - your preparation should match and be customised according to the job that you are applying for.

now why do i keep on babbling about this? because i CARE. full stop.

I DON'T WORK IN A MORGUE, BUT IT SURE FEELS LIKE I DO...

no.. i'm not saying that i'm surrounded by dead people, it's just that it is so FREAKING cold here!!! well actually, some of the people here do look like they could very well be dead... muahahaha.. j/k

CRAPPYNESS

it’s amazing how someone you know so little about can have such a big impact on you. i’ve felt crappy numerous times before, but it was never because of a guy that i fancy. the thing is, i barely know him. i’m sure once I get to know him better, i would be able to find something that is fundamentally wrong that would repel me from fancying him anymore. but for me to stop fancying him, it is necessary for me to know him better. and i can’t do that now because i can’t even get in touch with him! his mobile is constantly out of coverage and he is never online on YM… is he avoiding me? why is he avoiding me? CRAP.

usually when you’re online with someone for the first time, you can somehow gauge whether he would be interested in keeping in touch with your after you had your first chat. basically boleh tau la whether the response was good or not. and in my case, i thought the response was excellent (i actually saved the YM text from my chat with him… and sooo tempted to post it here). and then THIS happens. itu yang tak paham tu.. it aggravates me when i am not able to comprehend what is going on… why is he doing this to me? why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why? CRAP.

VIRGO-ISM

Got this from a friend yesterday.. the e-mail is entitled 'know yourself' :)

Know Yourself - Virgo

"As a rule, Virgo is attracted to someone who possess good conversation skills. They love to talk and surround themselves with friends who are even-tempered, nonchalant, and intellectually stimulating.

If you're planning a date with a Virgo, try and avoid noisy places especially with lewd or obscene entertainment. The Virgo's reserved nature and insistence of good taste, would get more pleasure from a quiet restaurant with soft music playing in the background, than from a rock and roll concert. They would prefer a place where the two of you can talk. You'll probably find the Virgo to be very interesting and be able to discuss almost anything with them.

However, don't be in a hurry to jump right in and ask too much about their personal affairs, since they may find it to be an intrusion of privacy. It's a rare occurrence for a Virgo to hand out praise, so if you're looking for constant flattery, you may want to keep looking.

While on the contrary, if you're looking for advice or an opinion on a certain matter, the Virgo will gladly participate.

Virgo's are careful planners and are constantly seeking personal achievement and financial security. They won't put up with frivolous spending habits and won't jump into a serious relationship without looking ahead first. Most likely they are seeking a partner with practical ambitions exactly like themselves.

Once the Virgo has found someone worthy to share their life with, they will always be loyal and provide plenty of happiness. This responsible, sensitive, and intellectual person takes love very seriously.

Although they may appear aloof, and distant at times, they are very sensual and warm people. If you win them over, you will be more than rewarded with a prosperous and memorable life with them."

now, i don't quite believe in horoscopes or astrology.. and neither do i believe that that everyone's characteristics are somehow dictated by the month in which he or she was born. for example, i have a few friends who are fellow virgoans like me but they are anything but "beauty with brains" (jahatnya aku nih... takper2 anonymous kan.. kira tak mengaibkan diorang). but for some reasons, i believe that i do possess the traits of a true virgoan. a friend of mine back in college once said that it depends on the day and the time of which you were born. kononnya, it depends la.. masa kita lahir tu all the stars were aligned in the a certain way ke.. bulan tgh mengambang ke.. tak tau la. irregardless of that, let's just say that for the most part, i think my personality and the general traits of a virgoan seem to match.

reading the a article above has further re-affirmed my belief. just look at all the startling similarities - i DO need someone with good conversational skills. and i'd LOVE to be with someone who is intellectually stimulating. and if you're planning to go on a date with me (although this seems like an illogical thing to do, let's just say hypothetically..) DO NOT bring me to a rock and roll concert.. because 1. i'm an r&b kind of person 2. i can't hear very well, which means that your voice can easily be inaudible to me when we're at the concert and 3. think about the trafic jam that we need to endure after the concert!

other things that i strongly agree with the article above:
1. it's not very frequent that i praise people in front of them (maybe because i'm so full of myself?). ntahla.. rasa macam segan kot.. karang kata kita nak mengorat dia pulak puji lebih2 nih.. but i would usually praise them to another person (behind them).. so kira ok la kan?
2. i AM careful planner - especially when it comes to my finances. this does not mean that i am a miser. you just plan ahead how much you want to donate or treat other people in a month. it's good financial planning
3. having established that i am a careful planner, i WON'T put up with frivolous spending habits
4. although i may appear aloof, and distant at times, i am very sensual (erkk!) and warm person - seriously, i am. it's just that i warm up to people a lit bittle bit slower than what is considered as normal speed

but frankly, i don't even know why i bother to get all excited about this article.. it's not like someone's going to ask me out on a date soon... judging by the speed of things are moving... don't know la... i'd be lucky if someone asks me out before i'm 30... eheh.

p.s: a certain someone has been driving me crazy this couple of days... had a chat with him on friday night on ym - it was great. we exchanged phone numbers, i sent him an sms the next day and he hasn't replied since.. kurang asam la dier nih... oi call me la woi.. (desperado to the max kan? sigh..)

BIG PROCRASTINATOR

i had expected to do some serious blogging last weekend... u know ... pour my heart's out and stuff.. but well, it didn't happen. why? - (refer title). i had also expected to do some backlogged office work at home last weekend, but that too, didn't happen. why? - (again, refer title)

and because of this i had to sleep at 1.30 am yesterday to finish my work.. my only defence is that i work well under pressure. actually that's like the motto of the procrastinators' club (if there is one). if there is, i'm sure that i'd at least be in the main committee.. given the experience that i have in the area.. hahah.

IT'S BRAND-SPANKING NEW!

i thought that it would be cute to use the same title for this entry as the previous one (cute tak? :P ).. although i'm not referring to my car this time. i'm actually referring to my new baby niece! baby umaira was born on 21st October 2005. anak buah yg ke-8... kena tambah lagi allocation utk duit raya tahun ni..hahah. anyway, i'm glad that my sister has given birth to a healthy baby girl. semuanya selamat.. although the baby has been crying consistently in the past few days. hmm, if only she knew that she'd be having me as an uncle - she wouldn't be crying so much... hahaha. don't worry girl.. you'll learn soon enough!

IT'S BRAND-SPANKING NEW!

started the day very early (although i only slept at 1 am the night before). woke up at 5 a.m for sahur and shot off to ipoh right after subuh prayers. mission for the day: to get my new car registered and bring it home! i arrived in ipoh at 7.56 a.m. (i must have set a new personal best) and the proton guy picked me up at 8.40 to go to jpj for the registration. and approximately 3 hours later.. voila! i was already in my new car.. all confused with the new reverse gear position, new location of the left-right signal lights knob (if that's what u call it..heheh). but generally.. i think i'm going to enjoy driving it. compared to my old kancil which i had used for the last 3 years, this is definitely an upgrade... at least this car has a cd player (yup..to me, THIS is the most significant difference between my old kancil and my new savvy..hehe)

spent the rest of the day doing nothing except for playing with my 4-year-old and 7-year-old nephews (yes, i am GREAT with kids and love them.. too bad i have problems MAKING them..eheh). anyway, before i got here i have already prepared a list of things to do during this 4-day break. i have presentation slides to prepare, reports to write etc. etc. i promised myself that this would be a productive 4-day weekend for me. but i think 'to-do' lists and me just don't click.. i seldom get anything fruitful from my relationship with my 'to-do' lists. takpelah.. shouldn't be so hard on myself.. it has been a very tiring day.. there are 3 more days to go..

tomorrow's agenda: help my sister make raya cookies. this should be fun. i can't even remeber the last time my family made our own raya cookies. must have been about 10 years ago when there was a sudden spurge of entrepreneurial activities within the malay community (and that includes a couple of my mom's friends). so we had been buying from them ever since that started. but since we (me and my adik-beradik) got mom a new oven last mother's day.. we thought that we'd put it to good use and bake our own cookies this time..

the demise of the pm's wife took me by surprise. it's always a sad thing when someone dies. however, not being a fan of the local political scene (make that ANY political scene), i'm afraid i knew very little about her. but she seemed to be a caring, non-threatening, non-power hungry first lady.. and for that i hope that she will rest in peace. semoga rohnya dicucuri rahmat...

EARLY WEEKEND (WOOHOO!!)

oh btw, i'll be going back to ipoh tomorrow morning to get my savvy... will only be back in kl on sunday. 4 days in ipoh? expect some serious blogging! muahahahha

MY DILEMMA ... (IT'S ENDLESS, I KNOW)

i actually went for a job interview yesterday. it was for a job based in dubai. i didn't want to apply for the job at first, mostly because i have promised myself that i'd stay in my current job for at least 2 years (it was necessary to make this promise to myself as things were getting out of control.. i have worked for 3 companies this year alone). however, after learning that an ex-colleague of mine applied (but she wasn't successful unfortunately), i became interested.. tak tau la kenapa, but i just LOVE going for interviews. i get such an adrenaline rush from sitting for interviews. if other people go bungee jumping or skydiving to experience that rush, attending job interviews provide same effect to me. gila kan? maybe the reason why i love interviews so much is because so far my success rate has been quite high..(syukur..ayukur..heheh). but i think there is something else that makes me enjoy interviews. maybe it's the fact that it's the only situation where it is not considered as self-flattering to say good things about yourself. it is actually required of you to say good things about yourself and talk about your achievements. the truth is, i am quite proud of my academic achievements. i think for a kid who had to deal with his queerness all alone throughout his academic life (yup- ever since kindergarten), i think i did extremely well... eheh.

anyway back to the interview yesterday. as usual, it went well (bunyi macam bagus jer kan?..). however, i don't think the job appeals to me that much anymore. sebabnya:
1. i'm supposed to do syariah compliance audit (which i have never done before)
2. as the job scope is as such, the company is looking for a candidate who is "a good muslim" - someone who is morally intact and practices the muslim way of life. being the only muslim to join the department, this person will be the source of reference for the whole department for muslim related matters. now although i consider myself as a morally intact and to most extent practice the muslim way of life (to the best of my ability that is) i don't think i'd be comfortable being the main source of reference to everyone else (for islamic knowledge). adoi... tersangat-sangat la tak layaknya aku nih.

although on paper my 'islamic knowledge' can be seen as 'adequate' (Pendidikan Islam: SPM - A1, PMR - A), it somehow does not reflect the person that i am (sadly). and although i think i have a good shot at securing this job.. i don't think i would want to take it up.. susahla... it's going to be a tremendous burden and pressure for me.

so camana ha... if they call me for a second interview, should i even bother going for it? (lerr mcm cerita Trio la pulak.. oh btw, have u HEARD the theme song? ya allah... can they be MORE off-tune than that? sakit jiwa la dengar lagu tu!)

FOUR OLD FRIENDS AND A NEW ACQUAINTANCE

my outing on friday night went well. it was so nice to see all of my ex-colleagues again after quite some time. we managed to catch up with each other. everyone was just as warm as they were three years ago. it was nice.

one of the girls who came was M. she was a colleague who i hang out most with when i was in jusco. Now she’s working as food technologist (canggih woo..) somewhere in PJ. i barely contact her after leaving jusco.. mostly because she already has a boyfriend. although i pose no threat to her boyfriend, i am always careful when it comes to unavailable girls, especially if the boyfriend does not know me personally. takutla kalau nanti orang kata aku mengacau kan...

i have always liked M. she’s polite and fun at the same time (it’s so hard to find this combination especially among malay girls), pretty and has the most adoring pair of eyes. i have always thought that if i wasn’t a PLU, i would want to have someone like her as my girlfriend. luckily for her boyfriend, i am one… eheh.

after meeting them, i went to damansara for a date (wah!). i first got in touch with this guy from the internet (where else?). we chatted on YM once… and he seemed like a nice enough guy. of course, when u chat with a guy from the internet, you tend to imagine him as the hunk of your dreams. i gave him my photo (after much hesitation) and he gave me a URL to view his pic. But I couldn’t open the link from my PC in the office. however, I secretly searched for his profile at some other website and managed to find his pic someplace else. he looked decent enough and i was beginning to get interested.

anyway, he started to send sms’s a few days after that and i would reply him back.. maybe just 2-3 messages a day. but last wednesday he called. we chatted for a while.. and he was being quite ‘naughty’ we agreed to meet for sahur.. and he kept on referring me as his ‘food’ for sahur. boleh ke macam tu? i decided to discard his remarks... buat tak paham je.

i picked him up from near his house at 11.30 and we went to lepak at a thai food place. he looked really different from his photo that i saw. but of course i can’t tell him that because i don’t want him to know that i searched for his profile on the internet. macam pathetic sangat la pulak nanti (padahal memang pathetic pun...)

i started asking things about himself .. mostly about his family, his work, where he studied. i didn’t want to talk about anything mischievious because i didn’t want to lead him on. i had a feeling that he’s looking for some fun. no can do… first and foremost, it’s ramadhan and secondly, i don't bring guys home on the first date.

when i found out that he works in the entertainment industry, i decided to lean the conversation towards the entertainment industry. i am a big supporter of the local entertainment industry… but i feel that there is something fundamentally wrong about the industry that’s preventing it flourish and develop like other countries (i’ll share my opinion about this in some other entries). so we end up discussing about the industry… for the most part, i criticized the industry and for the most part he justified why some things happened the way it happened.

we left the kedai makan at 3 a.m. and when i got home i received an sms from him thanking me for the drink. he said that he hopes to see me again. i only replied his sms the day after that by asking ‘tengah buat apa?’. the reply that I received was.. ‘ i kat puchong ni. bila kita nak jumpa lagi? bila nak main? :)’ huh! i haven’t replied to that sms until now. i don’t think i want to.

so that’s pretty much what happened on friday night. well.. you win some, you’ll lose some.. right?

FRIDAY BLUES

ya allah.. malasnya aku nak buat kerja.. somehow i always get this feeling when friday comes. whenever i have work to do that's due the next week i would perpetually lie to myself (without fail) that i can bring it home and work on it during the weekend. but i never do. sigh..

petang ni nak gi berbuka puasa ngan a couple of friends who i used to work with. they are my colleagues from my first job after i graduated.. jusco. i was there for 3 months before i left for another job. i have come a long way since then.. it's been almost 3 years since i left.. and i am now earning significantly more than what they paid me in jusco. although i was only there for 3 months, my stint there thought me so much.. it has taught me the value of money (they paid me soomething that comes to about RM8 per hour. at that time, everytime i want to buy something.. i would convert the price into how many hours do i have to work to be able to buy that item. a real eye-opener!). i also learned more about myself when i was there. i found out that i am actually quite independent. you see, coming from a middle-class family and having a certain type of personality, i have always been perceived as manja by my friends. i am the second youngest in the family and i have younger brother. the funny thing is that one of my friends once commented.. 'eh kesian adik u kan.. dpt abang yg manja macam u. mesti u manja lagi lebih dari adik u'. hmmph! i actually resent that. if only they know what happens in family, they won't be saying such things. anyway, masa kerja kat jusco... byk benda yg aku kena buat.. and most of them requires me to lift stuff. omg.. angkat kotak shampoo, angkat kotak detergent, angkat toilet roll, angkat beras ... aku pun tak tau la kenapa diorg hire management trainee untuk buat benda ni. waste of resources je. apart from that.. kadang2 aku kena kutip trolley yg customer tinggalkan kat parking bays. but it was a good experience. a humbling experience. everytime i see those staff pushing trolleys in one long line.. it would remind me of my job in jusco. it also reminds me to be grateful of what i have. not everyone is born with opportunities and choices (wah.. profound la pulak..eheh)

anyway, i'm looking forward to meet up with my friends this evening. kesian jugak kat a few of them yg still stuck in jusco. they don't get paid well there. they have tried looking for other jobs .. but they have not been successful. i keep telling them to keep trying, because the longer they are in retail.. the harder it is for them to move around later (career wise). after a few years there, there isn't a lot of new things that you can learn from your job if you're in retail.

if there's an advice that i can give to those who are graduating soon.. is this:
1. jangan memilih sangat... just grab the first offer that you get. if you find that the job is not right for you, keep looking for another job but don't ever quit without securing another job first.
2. work on your language skills, especally english. start to SPEAK in english. without english skills, you'll be restricted to only a few companies / jobs... ramai student bangsa kita yg ada this problem. sbb tu la berpuluh2 ribu org berebut mintak kerja everytime KPLI ada opening, JPA ada opening, LHDN ada opening.. sebab most of them don't really have a choice (sorry for being so blunt about this)

ok so that was two advice.. but who's counting?

ABOUT A CAR (AND OTHER STUFF)

i've decided to sell off my old car and get a new one. it took me exactly 8 months to decide what car to buy... (this is very typical of me). you see, i'm not really a big fan of cars.. i don't even like to drive. if u ask my friends, they can definitely vouch to that. kalau ada apa2 event that needs us to carpool, i'd be the last one to volunteer.. eheh. ntahla.. driving is not really a leisure thing for me. i mean, u have to focus yr attention on the road, take your chances with the traffic jam.. bear with the idiots on the road (the signals are there for a purpose ppl!!) etc. etc. that's why i can't understand how some ppl can say that driving can be a stress-relieving activity.

that’s why when it comes to buying a car, i was in a dilemma for quite a long time. for me, small is good. u can slide through narrow spaces easily and park at spots where bigger cars can't (a real advantage if you work where i work). the other thing - cheap is also good. if i can't find enjoyment in driving (regardless of what car i drive).. why would i want to spend more money to get a better car? moreover, the higher the value of the car, the more it depreciates in value every year. i would much rather dump the excess fund to buy another apartment or something.. something that appreciates in value over time..

in the end, i decided to get a proton savvy (do i see jaws dropping?). i am very well aware of the public perception towards the car, but frankly i don't care. i think it's an OK car that suits my budget and my needs. my only worry is the re-sale value.. but there is no way that i can know about that now.. itu kena berserah je la. my family (as usual) does not agree with my choice of car. Most of my friends still don’t know that I’m getting a savvy… i don’t think they’re going to be very supportive about it. i can foresee being a popular conversation topic in the few weeks to come (not in flattering way mind u) could I care less? apparently yes. it’s not like they’re going to pay for my monthly installments… and i don’t mean to brag.. but I think half of them needs help with THEIR financial planning.. eheh.

i’m looking forward to get my savvy.. but i’m a little apprehensive about the attention that i might receive when i start driving that car – from friends and strangers. I’m not really comfortable being in the center of attention (be it for a good reason or otherwise). yes, i have a very severe self-confidence problem at times.. which is kinda weird because i can be the ‘epitome’ of self-confidence at other times (at least that’s how i feel inside.. don’t quite know if other ppl see it or not). i think this self-confidence problem has something to do with me being a plu. i don’t know if i can speak for all plu’s but i somehow feel inadequate when i’m with other straight men, especially the stereotypical macho type. they make me feel less of a man (who am i kidding, I am less of a man :). i don’t think real men fancy other men) but of course i don’t want them to know that.

i think the reason i feel that way is mostly because i don’t share the same common interests that they share. i’m not interested in cars, i don’t watch football, i’m lousy at fixing things and i can’t assemble DIY furniture that i buy from carrefour by myself (seriously, i don’t think i’ll make a good husband). that’s why i find it hard to make friends with other guys. i just don’t know what to talk about to break the ice. Takut kalau salah pilih topik, nanti terpecah lubang pulak. because of this, i have way a lot more girl friends than guy friends. i'm not saying that i don’t have guy friends – i have plenty of them. School friends, uni friends. it’s just that not all guys can click with me… that is also why after having been in my new company for 5 months, i think i only have 2 male colleagues who i talk to. well it's also because i'm the only guy in my department. a depressing fact indeed…

ok, enough blabbering on my trials and tribulations for one day. back to work.

THE KILLER QUESTION

my boss decided to send me for an ‘intelligent investing’ seminar the other day.. *yawn*. actually, it wasn’t that bad la.. i did learn a thing or two there. a topic on financial planning was presented, and the first thing that the speaker asked his audience was “what do you want in life?”. i have ALWAYS had problem answering this question in absolute honesty, because what i want.. what i really really want more than anything in this world.. is to be str8. (no offense to anyone ok?). not a million bucks, not a merc-benz, not my own business. i just want to be str8. i don’t think all those things would be able to make me truly happy.. but being str8 would make my life a whole lot easier i think. i hate keeping secrets, i hate having to lie to people (i’m a TERRIBLE liar..), i hate feeling guilty when i am aroused by things that i shouldn’t feel aroused by.



somehow i can’t help but feel that it is unfair to be burdened by such problem. i know that everyone has his / her own problem to settle. but most of the other problems are results of bad decisions made by a person. these problems are also rectifiable. if someone is addicted to drugs, it might be because he somehow chose to try it once. then he got addicted. it was an informed decision made by him. so it is ‘fair’ that he has to take responsibility of his past actions. but when it comes to my ‘problem’ , there was no decision-making process involved. i was born with it. i realized it when i was as young as six (advanced kan aku nih?). i didn’t wake up one day and decided to be attracted to the opposite sex. and addicts can actually go to drug rehab centres to seek help.. where can i go to get treatment? has anyone actually recovered from this? i’d really like to meet him.



however, no matter how unjust i feel that i have this problem.. i still believe that god is fair.. tuhan tu maha adil.. sometimes we fail to realize this. because in spite being a PLU (which i consider as a dugaan tuhan).. i have been blessed with other things that some people are not blessed with.. i am thankful to god for blessing me with a good brain, a good heart, a good sense of style (ehem), great colour-coordination sense (ehem again) and to some extent – wealth.. sometimes i need to remind myself about these things. for example, a few people that I know are rather hopeless in studying or excelling in school. It’s not that they don’t try, but they have rather limited abilities. tuhan bagi diorg sampai kat situ je. nak buat camana kan? tapi alhamdulillah aku ni not bad la when it comes to studies and stuff (tak la hebat sgt.. bolehla..). so whenever i wish that i was not a PLU, am i saying that if given the chance i would give up the other things that god has blessed me with just to be straight? i don’t know.. would i rather be an academically challenged str8 guy than who i am now? (again, no offense to anyone). again, i don’t know.



i guess everyone has his/her own share of strengths and weaknesses, superiority and inadequacies.. and it’s up to us to determine how to make use of what we have in the best way possible.. and it’s also up to us to think of how should we go about dealing with our inadequacies. but until i get that sorted out.. i’m just gonna live life as it comes J


DISCLAIMER: i have no intention of offending anyone by writing this entry (actually, i doubt if ANYONE reads this), but just in case, i hope NO ONE feels offended by my writing (especially the cute PLUs.. eheh)

IT HAPPENED... AGAIN

i was in ipoh for the weekend... balik kampung. thought that i'd spend a few days of puasa at home with my family. bring some joy to my parents (yeah right!) . actually the reason why i'm back is because i find breaking fast alone is not so much fun.. having to prepare yr own food for sahur.. is even a lot less fun than that. so this few days when i'm at home i get to be pampered by my mom (and my maid) ...

i always look forward to weekends in ipoh. puasa or no puasa. i look forward to the comfort of my parents' house (with the air-cond, the water heater.. i can't afford to get all these stuff at home in kl), catching up with them (especially update session with my dad) and mom's food. but somehow, i would usually leave ipoh feeling a bit disappointed.. or even angry at times. maybe i always expect my weekends in ipoh to be perfect, when most of the times they are actually far from that. for example, my mom.. almost without fail, would usually successfully test my patience with her 'uncalled for' remarks. it hurts me that she can be so insensitive towards this son of hers. being the person who brought me into this world and raised my, she should know how super sensitive i am especially when it comes to some stuff. i shouldn't even be writing about this cos i think it's bit too personal... but sometimes i just wish that she could understand me better. it would make my life much easier.

i hoped that this weekend would be different, but i was wrong. sama jugak. the same thing happened. she said something that managed to hurt my feelings. but i decided to keep quiet (usually i won't).. since it's ramadhan and everything. but i have not stopped thinking about this. it always hard to get over it. it sickens me that there's is nothing that i can do about the situation but to just accept things the way they are and move on.

if i want to talk about how dysfunctional my relationships are with my family members, i think i'll need to write a book, not a blog... and with that, i think i should stop now.

AND SO IT BEGINS...

ehem.... bismillah... eheh
guess this would be my first time writing a blog .. and being the self-centered person that i am... i plan to talk about nothing but myself (heheh). don't quite know who would be reading it tapi... belasah je la...

now what shall i talk about today? maybe i should just provide the readers (if any) with a little bit of my background. ye la.. mukaddimah kan.. i am a 25-year old malay guy who's currently working in one of the major public listed companies in kat KL ni. baru je kerja kat sini.. about 5 months. confirm pun belum (and yet i still manage to start my own blog.. hebat tak aku..eheh)
currently i'm staying alone.. sbb malas nak share rumah dgn strangers. well, at least this is what i've been telling people. the more honest reason would be that sbb aku nak senang buat aktiviti2 plu aku.. heheh. now don't get any ideas... what i mean is that.. kalau aku nak tengok queer as folk ke... tak yah la sorok2.. in terms of bringing guys home.. no comments :)

i'm a str8 acting guy.. for the last 24 years i've been in the closet.. not a single soul knew about my queerness. and it's been hard (it still is). maybe sbb aku tak ensem sgt kot so org tak suspect.. selalu plu-plu ni semuanya meletup.. tgk je la guys kat dalam myspace tu. i would say that i'm pleasant to look at.. ala-ala cute la.. but i fall into the 'more to love' category.. hehe.. (working on it.. really hard). anyway, after switching to my new job.. and having a lot more time to websurf plu sites / blogs (i worked like a dog in my previous company - no time for all these stuff), i started to get in touch with other plu's.. so far it's been ok.. most of them are nice guys. but i'm still a bit conscious about the whole thing la... takut pecah lubang la kan.. so kalau keluar dgn diorg pun i'd be conscious a bit la.. mcm paranoid sikit

basically when i decided to meet other plu's i wanted to know what their life plan is.. i'm 25 now.. in 2-3 years i'll be in that ripe age to get married. actually sekarang pun dah ramai yg tanya dah bila nak kahwin.. maybe sbb financialy i'm a little bit better off compared to the rest of my peers kot (rezeki tuhan.. alhamdulillah). nasib baik i still have an older brother yg tak kahwin lagi.. so the pressure is temporarily off from my family. but eventually i will be in the hot seat and i just don't have an idea what to do.. how do you have a relationship with the opposite sex when you you have no sexual desire towards her? buat best friend bolehla.. mmg best friends aku ramai yg pompuan.. (dan kebanyakannya menaruh harapan kat aku sebenarnya.. hehe..konon-konon la). nanti kalau dah kahwin nak bagi nafkah batin camana.. kesian pulak bini aku.. tak pun kesian kat aku kena berlakon tiap-tiap malam.. eheh..

anyway, when i asked the question to my plu friends, most of them told me that they don't really want to think about it although it's always at the back of their mind. but i can't do that.. i have always been a planner. i need to plan ahead.. but this is something that i absolutely have no idea of how act on? any clues guys/gals?

ok la.. i guess i'll stop here for now.. nak sambung kerja sikit.. rasa bersalah pulak tak buat kerja nih..